The title of this blog is the title of this blog.

I've been lying in bed for five hours trying to sleep. I can't drift away. I keep thinking thoughts that I know I shouldn't be thinking. Suicide. Drugs. Alcohol. Not necessarily abuse of the latter two, just the use of it. Overdosing. Self-harm. Running away. I've been thinking about death a lot lately and i am not sure why. i can't exactly help it. i just don't see any other way out of... out of everything! out of the poverty, the hunger, the violence, the hatred, the loneliness, the disappointment, the resentment, the confusion, cat. i could pick myself up, find a good job, a safe place to stay, a kind and loving and understanding husband or wife to spend my life with. i could do that. but i know the pain will never go away. if someone messes coffee on my papers at the office one day - all these feelings will flood back into my head. if my child gets a cold one day - i'll feel like a failure again, i'll feel useless again. especially if she contracts... especially if she OR HE contracts something serious like cancer. or if i lose someone in my line of work. or if someone asks me for a small simple favour and i cant help them. even if i'm living the good life at that time, i know everything will come back again. all the pain.

i can't send it away.

if there were some way to wipe my mind and rewire my brain so that i can really start over completely, only then will i be free.

free from myself.

i wish i had a job. a good job that pays well enough to live off.
i wish i had a spouse and a child - a family.
i wish i knew how to drive.
i wish i had a car.
i wish i had my licence.
i wish i had someone who would be willing and able to get me on my feet by getting me the necessary materials and appointments for my licence, helping me find a good job, and maybe even housing me for a few months. then i can go out and find someone to start a family with.

i wish... i wish there was any point in wishing.

i wished it'd rain tonight and it didn't.
i wished things with cat could go back to how it was, but they're just changing for the worse.
once, i sat on my bed while my brother was breaking a hole through my door so that he could come in and hurt me... i sat on my bed and i wished that he wouldn't come in and hurt me, i wished he would stop being violent. he came in and did what he always did. taught me a lesson. got me back for whatever he hallucinated i did to him. later that night he sent my mother to the hospital with a lip torn in two.

i wished 49 sedatives were enough. but i survived.

there is no point in making wishes. i do believe in fairies. i do i do. but i do not believe in magic. i do not i do not. it's a crock of dung!

harry potter is one of the coolest movie series ever though.

that's another thing i don't get. the one moment i'm crying and contemplating overdosing, and the next i'm making a joke about hp! and now i'm just baffled again. confused.

bleh!

(O_o)

(X_x)