Here I am again, sitting in front of the pc trying to think of something to say to you. I miss you unbelievably much today. I’ve never felt this empty. I’ve never felt this lifeless.
I sent you a message on facebook with the address to this blog. It may have been stupid of me but hopefully it’ll have made some difference. It may have been a risk but it was a risk I needed to take.
I’d do anything to see you again. Anything. I’d go to prison, fake my death, travel halfway across the planet... Just to see you. Not to talk to you because the only thing I can think of saying is the fact that I love you. I hate a lot of people. To hate, is often easy for me. But I am incapable of hating you. Lately it seems you are the only person I truly love. You showed me what love really was and I’ll never forget. I’ll never find a love greater than the love we had. Have? Had? Have?
!!!!
I just wish I could see you. The way your mother despises me hurts so badly. Lately it seems like I get that hate from all angles. My dad is just getting worse and worse every day. He is worshipping my brothers. It’s always been that way - you know how it was. But lately it’s just so much worse. It’s so overwhelming. Sometimes, when my brother assaults me and my dad just stands there saying stuff like...
“Mooi! Ek hoop jy’s nou gelukkig jou stupid fokken...”
“Ja, jy wil mos nie vir my luister nie...”
“Jy’t gevra daarvoor nou moet jy maar vat wat jy kry...”
“Dankie! Nou’s my hele fokken dag opgefok danksy JOU! Heilige Jaydy...”
It feels like I’m smothering when he talks to me like that. It feels like I’m literally being choked by his words. He blames me for everything. Nothing can happen in that house that won’t be my fault. And when my brother attacks me... Maybe... Maybe you can relate. I feel so helpless and useless. I just lie there while he throws me with whatever he can find or cuts me with my craft-knife or hits me with a bike-chain or one of the dogs’ leashes.
I am not strong.
I am not strong enough to handle all of this and I want to give up. I’ve spoken to you about giving up. I think you’re the only person that actually gets it. I think you’re the only person that ever really understood what’s going on in my mind and heart.
When things get bad... When my mother lies on her bed swearing at me, telling me what a fuck-up I am... When my dad loses his temper for our circumstances and takes it out on me... When my brother gets violent... When one of my friends betray me... When my aunt takes her frustrations out on me...
That’s when I wish you were there. That’s when I wish I could just sms you like I used to be able to do in the old days. Sometimes I think it’s better that we’re no longer talking because I’m not sure what I’d say to you. But other times I feel like such an idiot. I should’ve never let you go. I don’t get why we can’t just be in each other’s company without saying anything? It used to be that way. Do you remember that day that you and Fishy visited me at my aunt’s house? When you finally arrived I hugged you in the kitchen for about an entire minute and then I kissed you like it was the first and the last time. I remember you saying “someone missed me”. After that we went to the lounge and I just held you. I guess we made Fishy feel pretty awkward. We were just sitting there, holding one another and not saying a single word because no words were necessary.
I wish I could just hold you again. I wish you could just hold me again. I wish I could stroke your face gently with the back of my hand. That used to be the way we let each other know that we love each other, remember?
If I think about it clearly, I know that I can’t say that you don’t love me. And neither can you say that you don’t love me. You love me. And I love you. But it’s no longer point blank. Why is it no longer point blank? I LOVE YOU! I DO! I’d give up EVERYTHING to be with you. Just to be in your company. Just to... Just to be with you. Just you and me. Even if it is just as friends. If you’ve moved on and can’t move back, I’d understand. If it really is over between us forever then I’ll get over it. Just as long as you’ll stay my friend. Just as long as you will still be in my life. You were my best friend. Please still be my best friend. Please.
Do you remember that prayer you made at church one night? It was already dark and already past seven and my dad was already waiting for us but you still made that prayer. I remember you told God that you love me and if you can you will marry me one day.
Nowadays you’re not so sure if you want to get married to anyone. And that is okay. You have your wounds too and I can’t blame you for having them. It’s okay that you don’t want to get married. It would’ve been indescribably splendid. It would’ve been the best thing that could ever happen in my life. No... That would’ve been my life! It would’ve shown me that there would always be someone to return to and to turn to when the going gets tough. Now... I don’t know such a person and I don’t have such a place. When the shit hits the fan I hit the road. I start travelling directionlessly. I just wander. Until it’s time to go home. Or until it’s safe to go home.
I have a few good friends. You know them. But none of them can compare to the friendship and the love YOU showed me.
Am I making sense to you? It feels like I’m talking in circles and repeating myself and none of it is getting through.
Let me try a short, simple version:
-I love you.
-I believe you love me, even if we can’t be in a romantic relationship and get married.
-I DO NOT HATE YOU! Nor will I ever be able to.
-You were my best friend and I want you to be that friend again because I can find no other.
-I miss you.
-I need you to be there. I need to know you are there and that I can text you or call you no matter what time of the day or night it is.
-And I still believe you were the better kisser.
It seems unreal that things have fallen apart this badly. We buried your past and swore we’d never dig it up again and then someone started shovelling at the grave of MY past and that ruined my future. Have you ever seen a light-bulb fall? It’s not like when a glass or a plate falls or when a window breaks. The glass used in a light-bulb is so thin, so fragile, so complexly fine that it *SHATTERS* into trillions of pieces. Shards of glass from a broken light-bulb are much, much smaller and finer than shards of glass from ANY other broken glass object.
Things have gotten pretty bad before but then the pieces were still big enough to find, pick up and put back together. Now, after this...tragedy, it seems the pieces are like those of a broken light-bulb. They seem simply too small to find them all. And even if I were able to find them all, it doesn’t seem possible to put them back together in the shape of the light of my future.
Things will never be the same again.
Do you remember how we used to sing in the streets? Two songs that I remember in particular are I’ll Follow You Into The Dark - Death Cab For Cutie, and Fall To Pieces - Avril Lavigne.
“I don’t wanna fall to pieces. I just wanna sit and stare at you. I don’t wanna talk about it. And I don’t want a conversation. I just wanna cry in front of you. I don’t wanna talk about it cause I’m in love with you.”
Oh, there are so many songs that remind me of you and of the time we shared together.
Can it all really just end like this?
I’m so tired of crying for you, Cat. It hurts me to wonder if you still think of me, instead of knowing for a fact that you do. It hurts to wonder if this has hurt you too, instead of knowing for a fact it did. It hurts to think of you not thinking of me.
Maybe I should be stupid enough to go see you.
They say nothing is impossible for God. I just hope that’s true. I hope He’ll help us through this and find a way to re-establish our friendship.
I love you, sweety. With all my heart and all my soul and all my mind. Olive juice. Gallons and gallons. And there is nothing... NOTHING!... you could EVER say, or EVER do, or EVER tell me that you've done... to make me love you less. NOTHING.
:’(
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