Life-raft Theory

Once again I have quite a few things on my mind that I need to let free. I write in order to keep sane.

“I write in order to get that feeling of function achieved and tension relieved that a cow receives upon giving milk.” –H. L. Mencken.

Life-raft idea:

My boyfriend, Hannah, and I went to Harties to visit my ex and Hannah’s brother for three days from Sunday to Tuesday. I’ll elaborate on that later on.

 

On Saturday evening my brother got really violent again. After he was done terrorizing me at about two A.M., he went on to torture my mother. On my way to the bathroom I saw him hitting her and I heard her cry and the pain I felt was unbearable. I just felt that I couldn’t let this go on. Or I couldn’t keep watching and hearing this and not doing anything about it.

So I sms’d Hannah. That was at about two thirty. When he didn’t come online, I went to bed. I switched off my light, turned down the radio and opened my window so that the cold night air could rush in ontp my face. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to sleep but I was dead-tired. At about three fifteen Hannah sms’d me and said he was online. When the message came through, my phone was lying behind me on the bed. I couldn’t move. I craved a smoke like crazy but I didn’t have the energy to light one. I was curious about the text but I couldn’t turn around to see what it said. A few minutes later Hannah missed called me and I got such a fright that I suddenly found the energy to read the message. When I saw it was him saying he’s online I put my pillows up against my headboard and sat back to chat, like I always did.

It was a conversation that I honestly didn’t expect. At first Hannah was very self-belittling because I needed him and he wasn’t there, he didn’t hear my message coming through. I immediately told him to stop it and that it was fine.

From there the conversation went on to the life-raft theory. I’m not sure what to say about the life-raft theory exactly, because if it is to be executed, then it is to remain a secret.

Anyway, all I can say is... “Fok maar dis warm!”

Just kidding. All I can say is that I am broken and breaking more each day. I have no idea where I am headed and it scares me. Hannah got his study-loan after all and that makes me glad. He now has a reason to live. He can now finish his studies and go work one day. He can live. I can not. I don’t even have grade twelve: the most basic requirement for any job. I can waiter for the rest of my life but it isn’t worth it. Besides I can’t really waiter with my eczema.

I don’t want to live any more. Not about Cat. Not about my parents’ apathy. Not about my brother. Not about solitude and loneliness. But about everything. I don’t even have the most basic materialistic resources to live off of. And if I don’t have that, how can I go on looking for love and happiness? It’s not about love and happiness anymore. I literally and physically don’t have what I need in order to survive. On top of that, I’m treated like shit from almost all corners.

Sonnette de Beer, Cat’s mother, apparently spoke to Cat’s boss at the ice-cream shop about me. If she said to the manager what she said to my ex-vice-principal and my youth pastor, then that manager now thinks I am on drugs, I do Satanism, I sleep with anything that walks and that I am a no-good worthless scumbag.

LIGHTBULB MOMENT: Please boycott the Irene Village Mall Memory Lane Ice Cream shop. If you barely ever or never buy from them, please just go there and simply state to the personnel that you’re not satisfied with the treatment and unfair judgment I receive and that you’re not going to support a shop that is driving your friend to suicide. The manager is Cathy. I don’t know Cathy and I am not going to judge her or say anything bad about her but in my opinion it is morally wrong of her to find any problem with me. Ask any of my friends, Cathy, I am good. I am not a bad person.

But whatever. I don’t need you or Cat or Sonnette. I have Hannah. And I AM HAPPY! I have been happier and I have been sadder. But I love him and he loves me and maybe one day Ella can become my skoonsussie. ;)

Hehe anyway, when I started this blog I was very down. I wanted to write about the life-raft theory and I wanted to bitch and moan about my parents and Cat’s mother etc etc but instead I’m going to focus on better things.

I think I love Hannah. Like really love.

He says he loves me and I can’t help but wonder if it’s just because I’m his first real lover, but I appreciate it. He still makes too many sacrifices for me and that bothers me. This relationship is about the both of us so if something about me bothers him I want him to tell me.

When we were in Harties, my mood kept changing all the time, but I had one hell of a lot of fun. I felt so good, so free, so loved, so beautiful. I wish I could go back but I don’t think we’ll be able to go again before the week after next week. Hopefully we can go back again.

NOT HANNAH AND I! I found this pic on the web.

I’m not letting any details slip about all the things we did, but yes, we were in the bedroom. We did behave but whatever. I’m a free spirit and we both love each other. It felt good to be with him. It felt good to reveal myself to him in that way. It felt right. I honestly didn’t think I’d be that okay with it but I was. It felt good. I can’t describe the way he makes me feel. I’m on cloud nine. Despite all the pain and misery we both go through, we’ve found new hope.

We do behave ourselves but when we're together we just wanna connect. On his blog he said that he was in heaven the whole time we were in Harties and that I was his angel. He's becoming my new angel.

I think I’m going to stop there. I’m hitting a blank. I love ya’ll.

Till next time.

Jaydy.

Newly infatuated Jaydy.