Okay I am going to make this clear. And even though I’ll be using short and subtle sentences, I might end up saying quite a lot of things.
I have a newly dug-up death wish. Cat decided eight days ago that we could still be friends and I even went to see her in secret. She fed me all this bullshit about how she doesn’t want to choose me because she’s afraid it might not work out and then she’ll have lost A.C. and @ as well. Because she chose me. So fuck the former engagement. Fuck the hopes and dreams of having a kid. Fuck the talking about living together because it was BULLSHIT!
I don’t think I should say it was all lies, because I’m not sure, but I don’t think it was very far from lies. Today, well...yesterday (it just turned four in the morning) I went to see her. She, my new boyfriend and I went to see Eat Pray Love. She paid. I wanted to light a cigarette after the movie but she took me by the hand, took my cigarette and lighter and put it back into my bag. Yeah, my trendy man-bag. Then she tightly hugged me goodbye and she went to work. So my new boyfriend and I walked around the mall a bit, talking, when she sent me a text message saying she wants to stick us for ice-cream. I had litchi-and-raspberry frozen yoghurt. Marvelous. A must-try! Anyway, she then had a few customers so my new boyfriend and I stood a few feet from the ice-cream shop and talked. Then, when she wasn’t as busy, I went to her and said “no matter how hard or how long I think, I’ll never be able to find the right words”. I wonder if it wasn’t more like a question than a statement. Then the customers came again so I stepped back to my new boyfriend. While the customers were deciding what ice-cream they were going to buy, she looked at me and pointed at her eye, pointed at her heart, and pointed at me. It means “I heart/love you.” When they were gone again I went back to Cat and asked why she put my cigarettes back into my bag. She typed a message on her phone because her voice was all funny and she couldn’t really speak. Something in the lines of: “because I care, and I do want you in my life. Maybe not as a boyfriend or a lover but I do want you in my life. And I do care.”
Later on mxit she said she wanted to see me alone because she wanted to tell me in person not to contact her again and that she doesn’t want to see me again, ever, for the next several years. Spun me some story about how she got hurt by everyone bla di dah. I don’t really give a damn. The guy she went back to after her mother FUCKED UP MY LIFE, dated and dumped her six times. He dumped her for the sixth time somewhere in the week. I can’t remember. I think it was Wednesday. She shattered and I watched her shatter. I held her, trying to hold the pieces together, but could not prevail. She shattered; she lost it. Anyway, tonight, as she was breaking up the friendship and the last thing I was willing to live for, and after she pretty much begged an opinion or a reaction from me, I said: “You can’t keep playing tug-of-war with me like A.C. did to you.” Because that was basically what he was doing to her. Playing a game of tug-of-war. Pulling and pushing her around metaphorically. Pulling her in and out of his life and every time he chased her away and begged her back she crumbled a little bit more. And now... Now I’m stuck with the fuck-ups HE made. Now Cat believes she’s losing herself and everyone owes her this major apology for “hurting” her so much and that she needs time ALONE to recover from that.
My new boyfriend never had any real friends and he says he just wants one special person that is always there. I told him it’s senseless to live like that: without plenty friends. What if something happens to that one person? What is he going to do then? Who is going to help him get back up then? Everyone needs friends and I am glad to say that I have plenty. But what Cat appears to be doing now is throwing everyone away so that she can recover on her own. What she doesn’t realize is that she’s shooting herself in the foot. No-one can go through life alone. No-one. People that are REALLY, TRULY and HONESTLY ALONE, die. They commit suicide or they just go backwards and backwards until they cease to exist. God I hope Cat knows what she’s doing to herself because she clearly has no fucking CLUE what she’s doing and done to me. Lately it’s all about her and her wounds and her hurt. What about me? What about the promise you made to God? Or were you secretly crossing your fingers behind your back? You know, Cat, you are the only person that ever prayed with me. That ever said: “Let’s pray because I have something to say to our God.” You are the only person that ever said to me: “I see God in you.” There are so many things that I can blog about. Things YOU said and PROMISED. Like for example, you promised that if I was diagnosed with a serious illness like I suspect I will soon be, then we can have Kia after matric. Directly after matric. So that she can have a father and so that you could have MY child, instead of some other dick’s child.
Dear readers, let me just explain the above part about the serious illness. For years and years I believed I was going to faint on a bridge between two buildings at my former school. After a while it slipped my mind but it didn’t go away. I believed it was going to happen and a few months ago it did. I have also always believed that I won’t live past the age of twenty three. With Cat, there was no way that I’d kill myself, so if it were true that I wasn’t to live past twenty three, then it would’ve had to be an illness or a murder that takes me down.
Anyway, back on track, Cat doesn’t want Kia anymore and it makes me wonder how many of her tears were water. Fake. Pretentious. We wanted a child so badly at one stage and all that seems to have disappeared. Simply because she prefers to make life difficult for all of us.
So what about me?
That is a good question.
I could always kill myself. I am seriously considering it because she stripped me bare of every last emotion I had in me. And it’s not depro people that commit suicide. It’s emotionless people that commit suicide. I will never be able to love again. At this rate it doesn’t seem like I’ll be able to move out like I was promised, it doesn’t seem like I’ll be able to finish school and it doesn’t seem like I’ll ever get a decent job. It’s pretty clear I’ll never be able to marry her anymore, isn’t it?
Sigh.
Let me tell you about my new boyfriend. I fucked up. I should’ve never started dating him because now I have to stay alive for him. I’m all he has. Unfortunately. The thing is just that I don’t think he’ll be able to heal me. To be quite honest, I think the only person that MIGHT be able to fix me... is MoonFlower. She is the closest thing to Cat, if not better. Which is why I miss her and need her and love her and wish I could just be with her. Maybe find some mind-powers to force her to stare at me until she falls in love with me. What am I saying? A part of her already is in love with me, isn’t it? I know for a fact that some part of her already loves me but the difference between being in love and loving someone is equivalent to the difference between lightning and a lightning-bug! She loves me. More than Cat does. Sometimes, honestly, I wonder if she doesn’t love me more than Cat ever did. NOTE: I’m just wondering about it. Not stating it as a fact.
I am not sure if I love my new boyfriend. I think in time I’ll grow tired of him. Unfortunately. He is a great guy. Really he is. He’s just... not the one. I don’t know who the one is, but one thing’s for certain, there’s no way in hell that I’m going to search through seven billion faces to find the face of my ‘the one’. I’m not going to wait around for her to show up. I’m not going to wait for her to find me either. I just don’t have the energy to do that. I’m done. Done with school. Done with hoping for happiness. Done with faking it and done with wearing a mask. Done with suffering with my eczema. Maybe one day I’ll post a gruesome description of how bad it is to have eczema because none of you have any idea what it’s like. It’s hell on this earth. Now combine that with another version of hell on this earth, depression, and you’re bound to have a nuclear suicide. Okay, well, setting off a nuclear bomb is pretty darn...ILLEGAL! But at least then I won’t be leaving any sufferers and mourners behind. NO! I would never hurt you. Any of you. You’re too good. Too pure. Too kind. And most of you... too young. And that’s a promise.
However, I’m no longer at a point where I can promise that I won’t kill myself. However, I can promise I’ll wait till the New Year. At least. At least until next year. Just to see if the pain goes away, if my eczema gets better, if I find a job, if I find a way to finish school. They say a human being can grieve for up to a year. And yes, I read that in a psychology textbook, and yes, I study psychology textbooks for fun sometimes. I’m especially fond of the subconscious and body language and deciphering handwritings to determine which underlying problems a person is dealing with.
I don’t have much to say. I think I’ve said it all.
One last thing for tonight: I changed the settings on my blog so that you have to log in to be able to read it. Please log out after you’ve read it so that my other friends can access it as well. You’re all using the same account. I did this because I was told my blog is a risk. And I get it. I don’t want a bitch like Sonnette de Beer to read my blog. She already stole, read, vandalized and spread my diary so... Fuck her. She’s not getting to me ever again.
And, by choice, neither is Cat.
To the rest of you: God and peace be with you. Do not fear. Do not worry. I am very fragile, unstable, insecure and scared. And very tired. But I still have a few errands to run before I can die. Hope to see you soon MoonFlower. Hope to see you soon DeathBerry. Hope to see you soon L-Bunny and Odelz. Hope to see you soon Trixy. To everyone writing exams, best of luck. Not that you need it. All of you are so smart. You can ace ‘em. To Odelz, Trix and L-Bunny, you are all great artists. I have neglected my art lately. Both the writing and the visual art. Do not go down the same path as I did. Ever. Hold onto your art. Whether it be painting, sketching, acting, writing, dancing or singing. Let it be your happy place. Return to your art as relaxation when you’re going through a tough time. I realized it too late. You’ve been given an order so you can never say you didn’t know. DeathBerry, last night you said something that made me realize you are a strong, independent woman. Despite your past (everyone has one), and despite my present emotional state, you are amazing. You are always gentle with your words to me. The life you wish for me? You can have it too. Don’t let guys walk over you. You’re worth much more than that. MoonFlower. What can I say? I speak to you the most frequently. You text me the most frequently. You even call me from time to time. I’m sorry I’m not much of a talker. I appreciate everything you do for me, even though it might seem like I’m throwing it back in your face. I do appreciate that you’re ALWAYS there for me. We don’t need fancy words or wall-plugs, doors, and ceiling-lights. You and I... our friendship is sufficient. I love you too. And I am always... I am TRYING to always be there for you as you’re for me.
Till next time loved ones.
Jaydy
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