It’s about ten hours before I’m eighteen, before I’m an adult and free to do what I want and go where I need to in order to be safe. Safe from the sadness. Safe from the solitude. Safe from the insults, humiliation, belittling treatment and abuse. Safe from my parents, my so-called friends, my brother, myself. And when I refer to my “so-called” friends, I’m not talking about Moonflower, Trix and L-Bunny. Or Oil-fire.
Those four friends, I’d give my life for. They are so good for me. They have their flaws and faults, but who doesn’t? At least they always make me feel welcome. At least they notice when I’m not around. At least they care enough to stay up to date with how things are going with me. In my world, people like that are rare. Very rare.
To all my newly found online allies...
Thank you, too. I appreciate everything you do, too. I just haven’t got codenames for you yet.
How about Spielberg, Spirit (<As in, the movie about the horse = Spirit), and Kat (< NOTE: “Kat” with a “K” is a FRIEND. “Cat” with a “C”... well, she’s the thief who took my heart and every one of my senses!). Let’s see if you can figure out which one is you... Message me on facebook if you think you’ve got it... ;)
Anyways, back on track.
My birthday is tomorrow and I don’t see any point in celebrating it. Yeah, I’ll have a bit more freedom but it’s not like I’ll be able to move out right away. Besides, I’m not up to celebrating anything without Cat. Life just seems senseless and pointless without her. I remember we went to the Botanical Gardens for HER birthday... I remember the cake she made. “Walk beside the pony, Daddy.
It’s my first ride.
I know the cake looks funny, Daddy,
but I sure tried.”
-Butterfly Kisses, Bob Carlisle – Every time I hear that song I cry and I think of Kia and Cat. She said that exact same line that day at the Botanical Gardens: “sorry the cake looks so funny, I tried...” Cat knew me so well...
And I remember that night we spent at her aunt’s house. I remember the weeks that followed. I remember all the pain, the worrying, and the loneliness. Uncovering the secret Cat kept from me for four months. I remember Cat apparently falling asleep in the bath-tub – OH MY WORD I WOULD’VE HUNTED HER DOWN IN THE DEEPEST DARKEST PITS OF HELL IF SHE DROWNED IN THAT BATHTUB THAT DAY!
I still don’t see why she did what she did. I still don’t see why she blamed herself. I blame the stepmother. The emotionless father. I blame a lot of people and a lot of THINGS, but I will... COULD NEVER blame Cat. Not for that. Not for Kia. Not for DrX. Yeah, I was disappointed about DrX, but I understand why she turned to that.
It was probably two or three weeks that I didn’t sleep, barely ate, couldn’t think of ANYTHING but Cat and the state she was in. Especially after DrX. Luckily, DrX lasted only three days and she was back home with me where I could care for her by the middle of day two. She was still not herself. DrX still had its effects on her. But she was mending. And she was mending emotionally too because we were together.
In those few weeks she spent at her aunt’s house, we both disintegrated. We must’ve sent a couple hundred text messages every week and talked out a couple hundred rands’ worth of airtime. Even though we talked a lot and communicated frequently through-out the days and nights, I was never sure what she was doing, who she was with, whether she was okay, whether her aunt was taking enough care of her. Cat was... Cat IS very considerate. She didn’t tell her aunt of ANY of the pain or ANY of the problems she was dealing with. She didn’t want her aunt to worry.
Extract from Diary:
“14 June 2010...
12:30 A.M...
Cat just called me. She was scared. She wasn’t sure why – nothing happened. She just couldn’t sleep and started feeling afraid.
I told her to switch a light on because she was in the darkness, and the darkness only aggravates fear. The house was also quiet, and the silence will make it worse. It will make very little noise so much clearer. Every little squeak or squeal or gush of wind will frighten her. I told her to put on some music, but she said she couldn’t. I couldn’t really make out what she was saying towards the end of the call, but it sounded like there wasn’t a plug for her laptop close by. I don’t know – something like that.
But I suggested that she put on some source of sound, and some source of light. I suggested a movie. A movie that she’s seen before; a familiar favourite. It should help her fall asleep. If she puts on a movie that she’s never seen before, she’ll be too curious to watch and she won’t sleep. It will be best if she can sleep, but it isn’t that important. As long as she just finds some way to distract herself.
I also suggested that she try writing or drawing. Writing would require thinking and if she isn’t going to sleep, she shouldn’t think.
I hope the movie will help. I really think she should switch on a light. I’ll call her in the morning and see how she’s doing. I’ll also call her aunt and ask her to give Cat permission to put on music or make coffee or even wake her in the middle of the night if she feels scared again. Cat is very considerate. She doesn’t want to wake her aunt, so she probably wouldn’t make coffee because the kettle would make a noise. I’m certain her aunt wouldn’t mind if Cat woke her. Or if Cat made coffee and the kettle woke her.
I am so glad Cat called me. I don’t know how I did anything, but Cat said it helped to hear my voice. No one has ever called me at twelve o’clock at night because they needed to hear my voice; because they needed ME. I’m sure all of my friends know that I’m available 24/7, but none of them have ever took me up on my offer.
**GRAMMAR – CONSIDER REVISING!**
None of them have ever TAKEN me up on my offer.
That’s better.
Well, nighty noodles.
Jaydy.”
“14 June 2010...
01:12 A.M....
Great. Now I’M hearing things. First the I heard a door close and then I heard the tap in the kitchen open. AND EVERYONE’S ASLEEP!
Freaky stuff, I tell you.”
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