Dear Diary, 2 November 2010

Eighteen at last. Legal. Free.

Alone.

I would’ve given anything to see Cat today. Life seems pointless without her. I wonder if she remembered my birthday. I wonder if she would’ve called or texted me if I didn’t tell her not to contact me again. I’m such an idiot. I wish I never said that. And now I guess it’s too late to take it back.

I want to text her, and at least say that I’m sorry for breaking contact. But what’s going to happen after that? What will we talk about? With my online friends, I still have hope that I’ll be able to meet them one day. I still have hope that I’ll be able to invite them to parties in the future. Maybe I can celebrate my 21^st with them. Wouldn’t THAT be wicked?! Turning 21 in the U.S of A... -Chuckle, Chuckle-

With Cat, there IS no hope. Currently, we’re not speaking because we’re not allowed to and we’re not allowed to see each other and I thought it would be better if we forgot about each other because it will be years before we can see each other. She’ll finish school next year and go study somewhere faraway and, even though she’ll be legal and free, too, by then, we still won’t be able to see each other. There will still be no way for us to be together.

IF she’d even WANT to be with me ever again.

Anyways, I guess today doesn’t suck all that much. I’m just lonely and bored. It seems everyone has disappeared from every single chatroom I’m on. Besides that, there’s no one that’s popping in just to say hi, happy birthday. I don’t see anyone anymore.

I just have to keep believing things will get better. I’ll meet someone new and I’ll see more of my friends more often. Things at home will change too. If they don’t, I’ll find a new, safer haven. I will be happy again.

One day.

For now, I’m just going to keep going with the flow. Whenever something becomes too complicated, I simply shut down. I keep myself busy by replying to the messages of faraway friends and typing out the lyrics of my favourite songs. I don’t really watch a lot of television anymore and I don’t have anyone to go to the movies with so my entertainment is limited to music lately. The rest of my time I spend asleep. And “the rest of my time” is...like...70% of the day!

I avoid most questions these days. In particular, the question of how I’m really doing. There are a few people in my world that can immediately tell when I’m not well and usually they DRAG it out of me. I hate when that happens. When someone drags the truth about my well-being to the surface, they drag my tears to the surface too. It’s happened a few times now that I simply make an excuse to leave because I’m simply too close to tears.

Gosh. I’m missing so many people right now. A lot of my online friends. L-Bunny. Trix. Moonflower. Oh! And Odelz. She’s actually the ONLY one that CALLED me for my birthday. And I felt like such a jerk because I caused “the awkward silence”. Lol. I just didn’t know what to tell her. I was so wrapped up in my loneliness, so wrapped up in thought that I was caught off guard when she called. Thus, I didn’t know what to say. I’m very glad she called, though. She made my day.