Playing god...

“You don’t have to believe me but the way I see it, next time you point a finger, I might have to bend it back and break, break, break it off. Next time you point a finger, I’ll point you to the mirror.” – Paramore, Playing god.

Over the last few months I have tried playing god quite a few times, and so have a few of my friends. What do we as pitiful humans have to offer, that makes us think so holy of ourselves? Why do we think of ourselves as so powerful?

“I am a flower quickly fading. Here today and gone tomorrow. A wave tossed in the ocean; a vapour in the wind. Still You hear me when I’m calling; Lord, You catch me when I’m falling. And You’ve told me who I am. I am Yours.” – Casting Crowns, Who am I?

The time we spend on earth passes in the blink of an eye, for God. Why does it feel so long for us? Why are we so impatient? A dear friend of mine, Ella, said that we shouldn’t desire being praised here on earth, because those that are praised here and now, will be the ones humiliated in Heaven, and those who are humiliated and stepped on on earth, will be praised in Heaven. I am not going to argue, but it doesn’t make anything any easier.

Over the last few months I have repeatedly been reduced to tears and I have repeatedly reduced quite a few loved ones to tears. I am truly sorry for every tear each one of you shed over me and my decisions, desires and misery. So many of you lie awake at night trying to think of SOMETHING you can do to make things better for me, without prevalence or success. Many of you are walking in similar shoes, and I lie awake wondering what I can do to change that.

I believe that none of you have been through what I have been through, not everything I have been through, but some of you do have the same wounds and scars. Some of you have experienced some of the pain I have experienced. Some of you simply have a great understanding of what I have been through because I described it in such excruciating detail that you pretty much got the whole picture.

I thank my stars that none of you had to go through the hell I had to go through this year. And I thank my stars that the hell some of you had to endure is now over. Some of you are still dealing with certain problems and I pray that it will pass soon, and that life will get better for you, because every one of you deserves to be happy.

Now some of you might argue and say that so do I. I’m not going to argue. I do want happiness and I do deserve it. In my opinion. But I can’t skip any steps.

I believe there are a few basic requirements or needs that you simply need to have before you can go on looking for luxuries like love and happiness. Those basic requirements are things like food, water, and shelter. In my case, health care is included in that category because without medicine, my eczema can completely paralyze me and prevent me from being able to do anything productive.

Strangely enough I already have love. I don’t know if I am happy. It’s a wide topic. I am not happy with how things are going at this point in my life or with how things are looking for my future. But I am happy whenever I am with Hannah. I am happy whenever I am with Cat. I am happy whenever I talk to Moonflower or Trix or L-Bunny. And most importantly, I am happy whenever you are happy. I might not have a strong sense of empathy, but it still makes me glad to see any of you being okay, being happy.

I don’t want to take Cat out of the picture, but it appears she’s fading. It appears life has forced me and is forcing me to move on... Some part of me is stubborn and doesn’t want to let her go. Some part of me is still hoping for the engagement to be re-established and for things to return to how they were. Cat and I were going to have a child and a family one day, and I wanted to marry a woman so I could have a kid.

After devastation hit, I gave up on my dreams of being married and having a child. How could I long for something like that if I can’t even take care of myself?

The only thing that is constant about my life is its inconstancy.

Things keep changing. Hannah and I haven’t been together for too long, I don’t know how he feels about children, and his family is already on my bad-side (maybe it’s the other way around; explanation to follow shortly), but I do want to have a child with him one day. It probably won’t be our own as neither of us can reproduce without a womb for our child, but maybe we can find a surrogate mother. There are already a few people I have in mind as the surrogate mother of our child, but I think you’ll freak out if I talked to you about it now already. I’m going to keep it quiet for now and keep dreaming about it. I’ll keep that dream alive, but I will constantly remind myself that it’s merely a dream.

In the past year, so many of my dreams came true, and it made me believe that dreams really could come true and that it was worth it to dream. But after almost all those dreams were taken away again, I stopped believing they could be granted eventually. So I will dream and wish, but I won’t allow myself to get my hopes up.

Hannah is out of the closet. His brother was the one who made the match and got the two of us together, and if things will ever go as far and become as bad as having to end it all, it will be his fault too. He told his mother that his brother is gay and that we’re dating. Which lead to a very uncomfortable conversation. (I wasn’t involved, THANK HEAVENS!) Hannah said that everything was fine and that they talked it out, but my frustration is just that it was our private business! It has nothing to do with anyone! Coming out is a VERY sensitive matter and many teenagers are driven to suicide by prejudices and homophobia. Many teenagers are simply too afraid to tell their families about their sexuality due to a fear of being pushed aside and abandoned or rejected, and because of that fear, they themselves can never come to terms with who and what they are and eventually they end everything.

I know I talk about suicide a lot, but this is stuff that people have to know!

Engage the brain when engaging the mouth! THINK before you speak or do.

I am very mad at Hannah’s brother because he told his mother about Hannah and I; and I am mad at Hannah’s mother for telling his grandparents, with whom he’s currently living. It had nothing to do with any of them, and even though they’re fine with it, things could’ve backfired drastically. For many teens things do backfire.

After that whole scenario, Hannah’s brother went on dragging my name through the mud by bitching and moaning about things he had to buy while we visited him and Ella in Harties.

PAUSE, REWIND:

When Hannah and I were in Harties, I asked if I could make us Don Pedros, which required Ice-cream, Liqueur and milk. The milk they had, but we had to buy the Ice-cream and the Liqueur. I was deeply hurt to hear he (Hannah’s brother) spoke to their mother about the stuff we bought, because both Hannah’s brother AND Ella repeatedly assured me it was fine, and that they’d pay.

PLAY:

I feel so betrayed. He was wearing a mask the whole time! I am going to pay back that money, because I can, I want to, and I won’t be taken for a fool and then gossiped about behind my back.

Another reason why I am mad at Hannah’s brother is because he told his mother that I only use Hannah for money and that I intimidate him. WTF!? Firstly, why and how the hell can I use Hannah for his money IF HE DOESN’T HAVE ANY!!?? Secondly, how am I intimidating him? Maybe you shouldn’t use words you can’t spell! Thirdly, he was the one who put Hannah and I together, so why is he fucking things up now?

When Hannah told me last night what his brother had done, I was furious and I even considered ending the relationship. I had enough trouble from Cat’s family, I don’t need it from his, too, and I can’t handle it from his, too, either. I am sick of everyone teaming up against me.

I just want to fade into the background like I was forced to do in primary school. I don’t mind spending time with those that treat me well and right, but the rest of you, if you have some problem, keep it to yourself, build a bridge and GET OVER IT! Leave me alone if you don’t like me. Just shut up about and around me.

Another person who could use a nice big cup of shut the fuck up, is my aunt. I really love her, but I’m not her slave. Most of the time when I come over to her place, I get here early in the morning while she’s till in bed. When she wakes up, I usually come and work on the pc in her bedroom. It’s faster and it has internet access so this is where I do my blog most of the time. Anyways, she usually stays in bed for another while unless she has an early appointment somewhere. If I don’t have to get up to get her more cigarettes, I have to get up to make her more coffee. Or if one of her eight cats makes a sound in another room, it is I that has to get up and go see what’s up. This morning for example, there was a pigeon in the house and the cats were making a fuss, so I had to see that the bird got out. If I didn’t catch it myself, I had to call her maid. I don’t know if her maid minds being bossed around, but I don’t! I’m her nephew for Pete’s sake!

I understand why she is the way she is, why she’s so lazy, grumpy, bossy and selfish. She has a lot of worries. She lost her job this year and she hasn’t found a new one yet. She has to go to a psychiatric clinic because her therapist told her church that she’s an alcoholic. She’s under a lot of pressure, but so am I, and I don’t take my shit out on anyone, although Fishy once said that I do. Honestly, if I do take out my stress and worries on those around me, tell me, so that I can fix the problem. As I’m typing this I recall how bitchy I was yesterday with Hannah. Luckily Hannah understands that I have a lot of things bottled up that I need to let out of my system. He understands that I was angry and bitchy yes, but not at him. He wasn’t my problem; he was part of my solution. And hopefully he is going to be part of my solution for quite a while.

A while ago, all I wanted to do was to stop thinking about Cat and our situation. I was awake for numerous days at a time and it was driving me insane. I needed to sleep but couldn’t. Either my eczema kept me awake or my mind did. I considered many dangerous things to make me sleep, but eventually I just waited it out.

 

When I met Hannah, things started getting better within me and I can now sleep more peacefully, if my brother or my eczema doesn’t keep me up. I also found a cure for my dreamlessness. I’m not saying what it is, but it is legal. I do take more than the recommended dosage but not lethally too much. The recommended dosage won’t let me sleep; it just eases physical discomfort. That’s why I boost the dosage so that it knocks me out. What an exaggeration!? It doesn’t knock me out; it just helps me fall asleep quicker and helps me sleep deeper. And if I sleep deep enough, I can dream. I almost never dream, and if I do, I can barely ever remember what I dreamt.  Besides that, if I sleep I can’t think. I don’t want to think. I can’t control my thoughts and it hurts too much to think. I am confused and scared about so many things so if I can’t party or sleep, I think myself into a wall. I run into it repeatedly. And the wall never breaks. It’s always there.

At this moment, I am confused about marriage, I am confused about my education, I am confused about the life-raft-theory. I am confused about Hannah because of the shit his brother caused. I am confused about Cat because of the trouble her mother caused and still causes. I can’t take it anymore. I just want to sleep.

My brother has a friend over this weekend which means he’ll give me a bit of peace. I can rest.

I’ll chat with Hannah and Moonflower and probably Trix, until I can’t stay awake anymore or until they go to bed. Trix said I can let her know if I can’t sleep so that we can chat. I don’t want to wake anyone just for a chat, but I want everyone to know that if you need me, let me know, otherwise I will feel like crap for not being there. I don’t always have the answers to your questions but I have two ears that are yours to talk to and two shoulders for you to cry on.

I know I write a lot but this is the place where I let all of my bottled up thoughts free. If you don’t like reading you’re in the wrong place.

I had another disappointment today. Apparently one of my friends had a party and everyone was there and I wasn’t invited. I’m not in grade two anymore. If they don’t need me, I don’t need them, but this is pathetic and cruel. A few months ago I thought I was a part of that circle of friends but now I’m on the outskirts again. The worst part is that I wanted to have a party this weekend and I didn’t have one because everyone I would’ve wanted to invite, wouldn’t have been able to come because they were supposedly busy with exams, instead they stood me up for someone else’s party.

Whatever. I don’t need them. And if they don’t need me, then this is goodbye.

I know I haven’t been the best of company the past few months but that is no reason to treat me like an outside. I know you’re all fed-up with my misery and my complaints but it’s not my fault. And, I just have to add, I wish I could end it all so none of you have to endure my condition anymore. If I ended it, you’ll hurt a bit but that will mean the end of my misery. And thus, yours.