Just another disappointing lonely day.

“This is not the end
This is not the beginning
Just a voice like a riot
Rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone
And the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady
Something empty’s within ‘em

We say yeah

With fists flying up in the air
Like we’re holding onto something that’s invisible there
‘Cause we’re living at the mercy of the pain and the fear
Until we dead it forget it
Let it all disappear...

...I’m holding on to what I haven’t got...” – Linkin Park, Waiting For The End

Sometimes it feels like I am just waiting for the end to come. For some tragedy to hit me. To be hit by a truck or to be killed in a robbery. Sometimes it feels like my end is so close. But other times it feels like nothing is ever going to happen if I don’t pick up my ass and do something. I am not going to get over Cat if I don’t put in a conscious effort to forget her.

“A memory can’t be erased. I know, because I’ve tried.

I start to feel the emptiness

And everything I’m gonna miss

I know, that I can’t hide” – Lifehouse, Come Back Down.

I am not going to marry Hannah if one of doesn’t propose. I am not going to get out of my house if I don’t get a job and start paying rent for my own place. I am not going to finish school if I don’t pick up the phone and call a homeschooling institution to find out what they charge. Cat isn’t going to get out of her circumstances if I don’t call a social worker or find her an apartment. I am not going to die if I don’t take my life on my own.

And if I don’t die, I am going to live forth, thus having quite a few tasks at hand. Getting a job, finding a homeschooling institution, moving out, getting a ring, finding a venue, finding a preacher-creature to marry us, finding an orphanage, choosing a child, or finding a surrogate mother.

Hannah wants a son named Skye, Cloud or Jess. Who has a name like Cloud? Lol. It’s cute though. That child will be less of a cloud, and more like the silver lining around a cloud. Surprisingly, Skye and Jess are both names that I’d give to my child. I actually wanted a daughter named Skye. Jess can be both a boy’s name or a girl’s. I am not sure if I want a boy or a girl. I think I want a boy and a girl. Another name I’d want to give to my daughter is Hayley. There are so many names to choose from and I don’t even have a kid yet! But it’s fun to dream.

It is a pity that Hannah and I can’t reproduce. I would have loved for my child to have his eyes. I get lost in his eyes. He describes them as a pale, plain grey colour. To me they are more of an intriguing, mesmerizing mixture between green, blue and grey. His pupils are these deep, dark pools of black. Like a black hole in space, they lure me in. They swallow me whole and I am lost within them within seconds. His eyes are so mysteriously and powerfully beautiful. When his pupils are shrunk by light when he’s standing in brightness, his irises do exactly the same. They overwhelm me and they boggle my mind. It’s hard to describe the beauty in his eyes. Besides the windows to his soul, it’s hard to describe him.

It’s hard to describe his body, his personality, his demure, his movements, his posture, his purity, his serenity, his brilliance, his innocence. I really loved Cat and many other people before her, and it wasn’t a lie: my love for her is like no other. But it’s been nearly a month, a mere month, that I’ve been with Hannah and I am lost for words. I am lost within HIM! He is purer than my mind can grasp. He is kinder and more selfless than my mind can fathom. He is gentler and subtler than my mind can understand. And I am willing to give up everything and everyone for him.

“Talking to myself in public

Dodging glances on the train

I know, I know they’ve all been talking ‘bout me

I can hear them whisper

And it makes me think there must be something wrong

With me

Out of all the hours thinking

Somehow

I’ve lost my mind” – Matchbox Twenty, Unwell

“Of all the things I’ve lost in life, I miss my mind the most.” – Ozzy Osbourne

I am not who I used to be. I am not the blonde, blue-eyed boy everyone got to know as I grew up. I have changed so much. If some of my cousins were to walk past me in a mall now, I doubt they’d recognize me. Especially if I can disguise myself even more with a pair of glasses. I was always against smoking and smokers and at one stage I banned smoking in my room. No one was allowed to come near me or my room with a lit cigarette. Now I smoke like a chimney and I don’t care what people think or say.

I used to be very shy and introverted. Now I sing as I walk in the streets and I don’t care what people think as they drive past me. The only problem I still have is that I am afraid to be openly gay. Or openly bisexual. I am afraid of kissing Hannah in public and I don’t know why. It’s about us, not about the rest of the world. Be a bitch. I should stop giving a damn about other people. How can long-lasting, unconditional love be a sin? How can it be morally wrong?

I am starting to talk in circles again.

“Ek twyfel, twyfel, twyfel terwyl ek antwoord gee op

Wêreldse vrae.

Hulle soek antwoorde.

En hulle soek,

‘n logiese verduideliking.

Maar daar’s iets, ja iets

Wat hulle nie verstaan.

Iets wat hulle harte

Te bowe gaan.

Miskien is hulle net te veel met gewone dinge gepla.” – Glaskas, Stormstilte.

“Like a ghost I’ll need a key.

Your best friend, I’ve come to be.

Please don’t think of getting up for me.

You don’t even have to speak.

I’ve been here for just one day.

You’ll already miss me, if I go away.

So close the blinds and shut the door.

You won’t need other friends anymore.” – Dido, Don’t leave home.

I feel like that song is a message from Hannah to me. He’ll keep me warm when I’m cold and he’ll be my safety.