I am more confused than ever before. A part of me is still holding onto her and it doesn’t seem like it will ever let go. But things are going great between Hannah and I. I am to Hannah what Cat is to me. Being without Cat is killing me and if Hannah was left without me, it would kill him too. He is so dependent of me, emotionally. That could be both good and bad. If we can be together, it’s a good thing. If we can’t, then it’s bad. Very bad. Being without me will destroy him.
Anyways, the reason for my confusion is that I don’t know who to be with, and who to let go. Cat doesn’t seem to want me back. Hannah loves me to bits and he does want me. More than anything. The topic has come up with both of them; Hannah AND Cat. Cat and I were engaged. Hannah and I are...talking about it.
He wrote in his blog about how he imagined his wedding one day. He’s been planning it since he was a little kid. The only difference now is that it is going to be with a guy, and not a girl. It’s the same with me. Since early childhood I’ve dreamt about getting married. I’ve dreamt of the décor and the food and the people and the things that will be said and the venue. And I always thought I’d marry a woman. Now things have changed. I’m interested in guys too, and at this point in my life, it seems I’m happier with a guy.
There are still so many things that Hannah and I need to work out. Things like his selflessness. He makes too many sacrifices for me. Another problem is his family. I don’t think his brother likes me very much and that makes me reluctant to meet his mother, father and grandparents. I’ve heard his mother talk to Hannah over the phone and she sounded like a real bitch. (No offence.) Ella, Hannah’s brother’s boyfriend, and also a close friend of mine, has spoken to the in-laws and he is also hesitant when it comes to them.
For a while now, I have been concerned that Hannah would regret his first kiss being from a boy and not a girl, like God intended when he made Adam and Eve. Hannah found a boyfriend before he found a girlfriend and he liked what he experienced, so he decided to stick with it. In my opinion, it is very unfair of himself toward himself. He deserves to know what else is out there, what else life has to offer.
But in his latest blog post, he made it very clear that he loves ME, because of me. And that he doesn’t want to know what else is out there. He wants to be with me. A while back he said no other man and no other woman will ever be able to make him as happy as I make him.
I accept.
It doesn’t help I fight against this. Hannah and I are together now. I do still wish I could’ve married Cat, but it doesn’t seem she wants me back. She’s had her chance. I’ve been texting her for a week and she still hasn’t replied. I hope that there is some misunderstanding and that she isn’t ignoring me on purpose. But besides that, she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore. I’ve been through this before; I’m not going through it again.
If she wants me, she better tell me fast, because I’m moving on. And hopefully, I’ll soon be moving away.
Hannah wants me and he says it straight-out.
Both Hannah and Cat love me, but the difference is that Hannah wants a family with me, or is willing to have a family with me, and Cat isn’t. The difference is that Hannah wants to wake up next to me each morning for the rest of his life, whereas Cat... doesn’t.
I honestly don’t know what she wants. And I am talking in circles here.
LET ME START OVER:
Today is a bad day. I am confused and lonely, but the solitude is helping me make up my mind.
About a year ago I was in love with Ella and Fishy both at the same time. I was dating Ella and Fishy was my best friend. I hadn’t seen Ella for quite a while and one day I wrote in my diary that I wanted to be with Ella. And I knew that I wanted to be with him, because when I couldn’t see either of them for quite some time, it was Ella I missed the most. Not Fishy.
I am older and more mature now. I tried to use that same method to find out who I want to be with, but it isn’t going to work this time. I miss Cat the most. It freaks me out the most when I don’t hear from her, not him. But this time I won’t choose the person I want to be with. I’ll choose the person that wants to be with me the most.
I have issues with both of them. Hannah is too selfless and Cat is sometimes too selfish and daring.
I think Hannah is less mature than I am, but I think he’s growing up fast. And I think Cat is sometimes too mature for me.
All three of us have lived completely different lives.
I shouldn’t go into detail...
My choice is Hannah, because as far as I know, Cat doesn’t want me. She didn’t throw me away. We were torn apart. But now she doesn’t want to mend what we had.
The issues I have with Hannah can be fixed in time.
Skipping to the wedding part.Hannah wants a real wedding with multi-colored Lilies and he wants us both to wear black suits and he wants us to do the opening-dance-thing like in the movies. The song he wants to dance to on our wedding night, as the opening dance, is At The Beginning by Anastacia.
He’s dreamt about that night for quite some time and I respect his wishes. I want to grant him his wishes. But I’m not so sure if I want to go all out with my wedding like he wants to; not if it’s with a man. I have nothing against the idea of marrying the boy I love, but I believe my family will have a problem with it.
I have become so broken and fragile that it scares me to think of having a wedding. I’m okay with getting married, but the wedding part is frightening. I don’t know how I’ll prepare for it.
But it will be the happiest night of both Hannah and my life.
If I had to force myself to fantasize about my wedding I’d say I’d want to get married outdoors, near a large mass of water. Like a lake or the ocean. It’d be wonderful to get married at the sea, but it’s practically impossible. There are many beautiful lakes and dams around Gauteng. I just want it outdoors. Someplace with lots of green. Not some dried out bushveld around a fire! Ew.
Okay that’s all I’ve got.
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