Art Ideas

Knight's Templar Cross

Triple Goddess/ Waning, Full, Waxing Moon/ Triple Moon



Triskel Spiral




Triskel Spiral



Compass Cross



Triquetra




Eye of Horus/ Eye of Ra




Pentagram



Just another disappointing lonely day.

“This is not the end
This is not the beginning
Just a voice like a riot
Rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone
And the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady
Something empty’s within ‘em

We say yeah

With fists flying up in the air
Like we’re holding onto something that’s invisible there
‘Cause we’re living at the mercy of the pain and the fear
Until we dead it forget it
Let it all disappear...

...I’m holding on to what I haven’t got...” – Linkin Park, Waiting For The End

Sometimes it feels like I am just waiting for the end to come. For some tragedy to hit me. To be hit by a truck or to be killed in a robbery. Sometimes it feels like my end is so close. But other times it feels like nothing is ever going to happen if I don’t pick up my ass and do something. I am not going to get over Cat if I don’t put in a conscious effort to forget her.

“A memory can’t be erased. I know, because I’ve tried.

I start to feel the emptiness

And everything I’m gonna miss

I know, that I can’t hide” – Lifehouse, Come Back Down.

I am not going to marry Hannah if one of doesn’t propose. I am not going to get out of my house if I don’t get a job and start paying rent for my own place. I am not going to finish school if I don’t pick up the phone and call a homeschooling institution to find out what they charge. Cat isn’t going to get out of her circumstances if I don’t call a social worker or find her an apartment. I am not going to die if I don’t take my life on my own.

And if I don’t die, I am going to live forth, thus having quite a few tasks at hand. Getting a job, finding a homeschooling institution, moving out, getting a ring, finding a venue, finding a preacher-creature to marry us, finding an orphanage, choosing a child, or finding a surrogate mother.

Hannah wants a son named Skye, Cloud or Jess. Who has a name like Cloud? Lol. It’s cute though. That child will be less of a cloud, and more like the silver lining around a cloud. Surprisingly, Skye and Jess are both names that I’d give to my child. I actually wanted a daughter named Skye. Jess can be both a boy’s name or a girl’s. I am not sure if I want a boy or a girl. I think I want a boy and a girl. Another name I’d want to give to my daughter is Hayley. There are so many names to choose from and I don’t even have a kid yet! But it’s fun to dream.

It is a pity that Hannah and I can’t reproduce. I would have loved for my child to have his eyes. I get lost in his eyes. He describes them as a pale, plain grey colour. To me they are more of an intriguing, mesmerizing mixture between green, blue and grey. His pupils are these deep, dark pools of black. Like a black hole in space, they lure me in. They swallow me whole and I am lost within them within seconds. His eyes are so mysteriously and powerfully beautiful. When his pupils are shrunk by light when he’s standing in brightness, his irises do exactly the same. They overwhelm me and they boggle my mind. It’s hard to describe the beauty in his eyes. Besides the windows to his soul, it’s hard to describe him.

It’s hard to describe his body, his personality, his demure, his movements, his posture, his purity, his serenity, his brilliance, his innocence. I really loved Cat and many other people before her, and it wasn’t a lie: my love for her is like no other. But it’s been nearly a month, a mere month, that I’ve been with Hannah and I am lost for words. I am lost within HIM! He is purer than my mind can grasp. He is kinder and more selfless than my mind can fathom. He is gentler and subtler than my mind can understand. And I am willing to give up everything and everyone for him.

“Talking to myself in public

Dodging glances on the train

I know, I know they’ve all been talking ‘bout me

I can hear them whisper

And it makes me think there must be something wrong

With me

Out of all the hours thinking

Somehow

I’ve lost my mind” – Matchbox Twenty, Unwell

“Of all the things I’ve lost in life, I miss my mind the most.” – Ozzy Osbourne

I am not who I used to be. I am not the blonde, blue-eyed boy everyone got to know as I grew up. I have changed so much. If some of my cousins were to walk past me in a mall now, I doubt they’d recognize me. Especially if I can disguise myself even more with a pair of glasses. I was always against smoking and smokers and at one stage I banned smoking in my room. No one was allowed to come near me or my room with a lit cigarette. Now I smoke like a chimney and I don’t care what people think or say.

I used to be very shy and introverted. Now I sing as I walk in the streets and I don’t care what people think as they drive past me. The only problem I still have is that I am afraid to be openly gay. Or openly bisexual. I am afraid of kissing Hannah in public and I don’t know why. It’s about us, not about the rest of the world. Be a bitch. I should stop giving a damn about other people. How can long-lasting, unconditional love be a sin? How can it be morally wrong?

I am starting to talk in circles again.

“Ek twyfel, twyfel, twyfel terwyl ek antwoord gee op

Wêreldse vrae.

Hulle soek antwoorde.

En hulle soek,

‘n logiese verduideliking.

Maar daar’s iets, ja iets

Wat hulle nie verstaan.

Iets wat hulle harte

Te bowe gaan.

Miskien is hulle net te veel met gewone dinge gepla.” – Glaskas, Stormstilte.

“Like a ghost I’ll need a key.

Your best friend, I’ve come to be.

Please don’t think of getting up for me.

You don’t even have to speak.

I’ve been here for just one day.

You’ll already miss me, if I go away.

So close the blinds and shut the door.

You won’t need other friends anymore.” – Dido, Don’t leave home.

I feel like that song is a message from Hannah to me. He’ll keep me warm when I’m cold and he’ll be my safety.

Cat: M.I.A

If anyone out there has any contact, verbally or physical, with Cat, please tell her to contact me as soon as possible.

Am I hearing wedding bells already!?

I am more confused than ever before. A part of me is still holding onto her and it doesn’t seem like it will ever let go. But things are going great between Hannah and I. I am to Hannah what Cat is to me. Being without Cat is killing me and if Hannah was left without me, it would kill him too. He is so dependent of me, emotionally. That could be both good and bad. If we can be together, it’s a good thing. If we can’t, then it’s bad. Very bad. Being without me will destroy him.

Anyways, the reason for my confusion is that I don’t know who to be with, and who to let go. Cat doesn’t seem to want me back. Hannah loves me to bits and he does want me. More than anything. The topic has come up with both of them; Hannah AND Cat. Cat and I were engaged. Hannah and I are...talking about it.

He wrote in his blog about how he imagined his wedding one day. He’s been planning it since he was a little kid. The only difference now is that it is going to be with a guy, and not a girl. It’s the same with me. Since early childhood I’ve dreamt about getting married. I’ve dreamt of the décor and the food and the people and the things that will be said and the venue. And I always thought I’d marry a woman. Now things have changed. I’m interested in guys too, and at this point in my life, it seems I’m happier with a guy.

There are still so many things that Hannah and I need to work out. Things like his selflessness. He makes too many sacrifices for me. Another problem is his family. I don’t think his brother likes me very much and that makes me reluctant to meet his mother, father and grandparents. I’ve heard his mother talk to Hannah over the phone and she sounded like a real bitch. (No offence.) Ella, Hannah’s brother’s boyfriend, and also a close friend of mine, has spoken to the in-laws and he is also hesitant when it comes to them.

For a while now, I have been concerned that Hannah would regret his first kiss being from a boy and not a girl, like God intended when he made Adam and Eve. Hannah found a boyfriend before he found a girlfriend and he liked what he experienced, so he decided to stick with it. In my opinion, it is very unfair of himself toward himself. He deserves to know what else is out there, what else life has to offer.

But in his latest blog post, he made it very clear that he loves ME, because of me. And that he doesn’t want to know what else is out there. He wants to be with me. A while back he said no other man and no other woman will ever be able to make him as happy as I make him.

I accept.

It doesn’t help I fight against this. Hannah and I are together now. I do still wish I could’ve married Cat, but it doesn’t seem she wants me back. She’s had her chance. I’ve been texting her for a week and she still hasn’t replied. I hope that there is some misunderstanding and that she isn’t ignoring me on purpose. But besides that, she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore. I’ve been through this before; I’m not going through it again.

If she wants me, she better tell me fast, because I’m moving on. And hopefully, I’ll soon be moving away.

Hannah wants me and he says it straight-out.

Both Hannah and Cat love me, but the difference is that Hannah wants a family with me, or is willing to have a family with me, and Cat isn’t. The difference is that Hannah wants to wake up next to me each morning for the rest of his life, whereas Cat... doesn’t.

I honestly don’t know what she wants. And I am talking in circles here.

LET ME START OVER:

Today is a bad day. I am confused and lonely, but the solitude is helping me make up my mind.

About a year ago I was in love with Ella and Fishy both at the same time. I was dating Ella and Fishy was my best friend. I hadn’t seen Ella for quite a while and one day I wrote in my diary that I wanted to be with Ella. And I knew that I wanted to be with him, because when I couldn’t see either of them for quite some time, it was Ella I missed the most. Not Fishy.

I am older and more mature now. I tried to use that same method to find out who I want to be with, but it isn’t going to work this time. I miss Cat the most. It freaks me out the most when I don’t hear from her, not him. But this time I won’t choose the person I want to be with. I’ll choose the person that wants to be with me the most.

I have issues with both of them. Hannah is too selfless and Cat is sometimes too selfish and daring.

I think Hannah is less mature than I am, but I think he’s growing up fast. And I think Cat is sometimes too mature for me.

All three of us have lived completely different lives.

I shouldn’t go into detail...

My choice is Hannah, because as far as I know, Cat doesn’t want me. She didn’t throw me away. We were torn apart. But now she doesn’t want to mend what we had.

The issues I have with Hannah can be fixed in time.

Skipping to the wedding part.

Hannah wants a real wedding with multi-colored Lilies and he wants us both to wear black suits and he wants us to do the opening-dance-thing like in the movies. The song he wants to dance to on our wedding night, as the opening dance, is At The Beginning by Anastacia.

He’s dreamt about that night for quite some time and I respect his wishes. I want to grant him his wishes. But I’m not so sure if I want to go all out with my wedding like he wants to; not if it’s with a man. I have nothing against the idea of marrying the boy I love, but I believe my family will have a problem with it.

I have become so broken and fragile that it scares me to think of having a wedding. I’m okay with getting married, but the wedding part is frightening. I don’t know how I’ll prepare for it.

But it will be the happiest night of both Hannah and my life.

If I had to force myself to fantasize about my wedding I’d say I’d want to get married outdoors, near a large mass of water. Like a lake or the ocean. It’d be wonderful to get married at the sea, but it’s practically impossible. There are many beautiful lakes and dams around Gauteng. I just want it outdoors. Someplace with lots of green. Not some dried out bushveld around a fire! Ew.

Okay that’s all I’ve got.

Playing god...

“You don’t have to believe me but the way I see it, next time you point a finger, I might have to bend it back and break, break, break it off. Next time you point a finger, I’ll point you to the mirror.” – Paramore, Playing god.

Over the last few months I have tried playing god quite a few times, and so have a few of my friends. What do we as pitiful humans have to offer, that makes us think so holy of ourselves? Why do we think of ourselves as so powerful?

“I am a flower quickly fading. Here today and gone tomorrow. A wave tossed in the ocean; a vapour in the wind. Still You hear me when I’m calling; Lord, You catch me when I’m falling. And You’ve told me who I am. I am Yours.” – Casting Crowns, Who am I?

The time we spend on earth passes in the blink of an eye, for God. Why does it feel so long for us? Why are we so impatient? A dear friend of mine, Ella, said that we shouldn’t desire being praised here on earth, because those that are praised here and now, will be the ones humiliated in Heaven, and those who are humiliated and stepped on on earth, will be praised in Heaven. I am not going to argue, but it doesn’t make anything any easier.

Over the last few months I have repeatedly been reduced to tears and I have repeatedly reduced quite a few loved ones to tears. I am truly sorry for every tear each one of you shed over me and my decisions, desires and misery. So many of you lie awake at night trying to think of SOMETHING you can do to make things better for me, without prevalence or success. Many of you are walking in similar shoes, and I lie awake wondering what I can do to change that.

I believe that none of you have been through what I have been through, not everything I have been through, but some of you do have the same wounds and scars. Some of you have experienced some of the pain I have experienced. Some of you simply have a great understanding of what I have been through because I described it in such excruciating detail that you pretty much got the whole picture.

I thank my stars that none of you had to go through the hell I had to go through this year. And I thank my stars that the hell some of you had to endure is now over. Some of you are still dealing with certain problems and I pray that it will pass soon, and that life will get better for you, because every one of you deserves to be happy.

Now some of you might argue and say that so do I. I’m not going to argue. I do want happiness and I do deserve it. In my opinion. But I can’t skip any steps.

I believe there are a few basic requirements or needs that you simply need to have before you can go on looking for luxuries like love and happiness. Those basic requirements are things like food, water, and shelter. In my case, health care is included in that category because without medicine, my eczema can completely paralyze me and prevent me from being able to do anything productive.

Strangely enough I already have love. I don’t know if I am happy. It’s a wide topic. I am not happy with how things are going at this point in my life or with how things are looking for my future. But I am happy whenever I am with Hannah. I am happy whenever I am with Cat. I am happy whenever I talk to Moonflower or Trix or L-Bunny. And most importantly, I am happy whenever you are happy. I might not have a strong sense of empathy, but it still makes me glad to see any of you being okay, being happy.

I don’t want to take Cat out of the picture, but it appears she’s fading. It appears life has forced me and is forcing me to move on... Some part of me is stubborn and doesn’t want to let her go. Some part of me is still hoping for the engagement to be re-established and for things to return to how they were. Cat and I were going to have a child and a family one day, and I wanted to marry a woman so I could have a kid.

After devastation hit, I gave up on my dreams of being married and having a child. How could I long for something like that if I can’t even take care of myself?

The only thing that is constant about my life is its inconstancy.

Things keep changing. Hannah and I haven’t been together for too long, I don’t know how he feels about children, and his family is already on my bad-side (maybe it’s the other way around; explanation to follow shortly), but I do want to have a child with him one day. It probably won’t be our own as neither of us can reproduce without a womb for our child, but maybe we can find a surrogate mother. There are already a few people I have in mind as the surrogate mother of our child, but I think you’ll freak out if I talked to you about it now already. I’m going to keep it quiet for now and keep dreaming about it. I’ll keep that dream alive, but I will constantly remind myself that it’s merely a dream.

In the past year, so many of my dreams came true, and it made me believe that dreams really could come true and that it was worth it to dream. But after almost all those dreams were taken away again, I stopped believing they could be granted eventually. So I will dream and wish, but I won’t allow myself to get my hopes up.

Hannah is out of the closet. His brother was the one who made the match and got the two of us together, and if things will ever go as far and become as bad as having to end it all, it will be his fault too. He told his mother that his brother is gay and that we’re dating. Which lead to a very uncomfortable conversation. (I wasn’t involved, THANK HEAVENS!) Hannah said that everything was fine and that they talked it out, but my frustration is just that it was our private business! It has nothing to do with anyone! Coming out is a VERY sensitive matter and many teenagers are driven to suicide by prejudices and homophobia. Many teenagers are simply too afraid to tell their families about their sexuality due to a fear of being pushed aside and abandoned or rejected, and because of that fear, they themselves can never come to terms with who and what they are and eventually they end everything.

I know I talk about suicide a lot, but this is stuff that people have to know!

Engage the brain when engaging the mouth! THINK before you speak or do.

I am very mad at Hannah’s brother because he told his mother about Hannah and I; and I am mad at Hannah’s mother for telling his grandparents, with whom he’s currently living. It had nothing to do with any of them, and even though they’re fine with it, things could’ve backfired drastically. For many teens things do backfire.

After that whole scenario, Hannah’s brother went on dragging my name through the mud by bitching and moaning about things he had to buy while we visited him and Ella in Harties.

PAUSE, REWIND:

When Hannah and I were in Harties, I asked if I could make us Don Pedros, which required Ice-cream, Liqueur and milk. The milk they had, but we had to buy the Ice-cream and the Liqueur. I was deeply hurt to hear he (Hannah’s brother) spoke to their mother about the stuff we bought, because both Hannah’s brother AND Ella repeatedly assured me it was fine, and that they’d pay.

PLAY:

I feel so betrayed. He was wearing a mask the whole time! I am going to pay back that money, because I can, I want to, and I won’t be taken for a fool and then gossiped about behind my back.

Another reason why I am mad at Hannah’s brother is because he told his mother that I only use Hannah for money and that I intimidate him. WTF!? Firstly, why and how the hell can I use Hannah for his money IF HE DOESN’T HAVE ANY!!?? Secondly, how am I intimidating him? Maybe you shouldn’t use words you can’t spell! Thirdly, he was the one who put Hannah and I together, so why is he fucking things up now?

When Hannah told me last night what his brother had done, I was furious and I even considered ending the relationship. I had enough trouble from Cat’s family, I don’t need it from his, too, and I can’t handle it from his, too, either. I am sick of everyone teaming up against me.

I just want to fade into the background like I was forced to do in primary school. I don’t mind spending time with those that treat me well and right, but the rest of you, if you have some problem, keep it to yourself, build a bridge and GET OVER IT! Leave me alone if you don’t like me. Just shut up about and around me.

Another person who could use a nice big cup of shut the fuck up, is my aunt. I really love her, but I’m not her slave. Most of the time when I come over to her place, I get here early in the morning while she’s till in bed. When she wakes up, I usually come and work on the pc in her bedroom. It’s faster and it has internet access so this is where I do my blog most of the time. Anyways, she usually stays in bed for another while unless she has an early appointment somewhere. If I don’t have to get up to get her more cigarettes, I have to get up to make her more coffee. Or if one of her eight cats makes a sound in another room, it is I that has to get up and go see what’s up. This morning for example, there was a pigeon in the house and the cats were making a fuss, so I had to see that the bird got out. If I didn’t catch it myself, I had to call her maid. I don’t know if her maid minds being bossed around, but I don’t! I’m her nephew for Pete’s sake!

I understand why she is the way she is, why she’s so lazy, grumpy, bossy and selfish. She has a lot of worries. She lost her job this year and she hasn’t found a new one yet. She has to go to a psychiatric clinic because her therapist told her church that she’s an alcoholic. She’s under a lot of pressure, but so am I, and I don’t take my shit out on anyone, although Fishy once said that I do. Honestly, if I do take out my stress and worries on those around me, tell me, so that I can fix the problem. As I’m typing this I recall how bitchy I was yesterday with Hannah. Luckily Hannah understands that I have a lot of things bottled up that I need to let out of my system. He understands that I was angry and bitchy yes, but not at him. He wasn’t my problem; he was part of my solution. And hopefully he is going to be part of my solution for quite a while.

A while ago, all I wanted to do was to stop thinking about Cat and our situation. I was awake for numerous days at a time and it was driving me insane. I needed to sleep but couldn’t. Either my eczema kept me awake or my mind did. I considered many dangerous things to make me sleep, but eventually I just waited it out.

 

When I met Hannah, things started getting better within me and I can now sleep more peacefully, if my brother or my eczema doesn’t keep me up. I also found a cure for my dreamlessness. I’m not saying what it is, but it is legal. I do take more than the recommended dosage but not lethally too much. The recommended dosage won’t let me sleep; it just eases physical discomfort. That’s why I boost the dosage so that it knocks me out. What an exaggeration!? It doesn’t knock me out; it just helps me fall asleep quicker and helps me sleep deeper. And if I sleep deep enough, I can dream. I almost never dream, and if I do, I can barely ever remember what I dreamt.  Besides that, if I sleep I can’t think. I don’t want to think. I can’t control my thoughts and it hurts too much to think. I am confused and scared about so many things so if I can’t party or sleep, I think myself into a wall. I run into it repeatedly. And the wall never breaks. It’s always there.

At this moment, I am confused about marriage, I am confused about my education, I am confused about the life-raft-theory. I am confused about Hannah because of the shit his brother caused. I am confused about Cat because of the trouble her mother caused and still causes. I can’t take it anymore. I just want to sleep.

My brother has a friend over this weekend which means he’ll give me a bit of peace. I can rest.

I’ll chat with Hannah and Moonflower and probably Trix, until I can’t stay awake anymore or until they go to bed. Trix said I can let her know if I can’t sleep so that we can chat. I don’t want to wake anyone just for a chat, but I want everyone to know that if you need me, let me know, otherwise I will feel like crap for not being there. I don’t always have the answers to your questions but I have two ears that are yours to talk to and two shoulders for you to cry on.

I know I write a lot but this is the place where I let all of my bottled up thoughts free. If you don’t like reading you’re in the wrong place.

I had another disappointment today. Apparently one of my friends had a party and everyone was there and I wasn’t invited. I’m not in grade two anymore. If they don’t need me, I don’t need them, but this is pathetic and cruel. A few months ago I thought I was a part of that circle of friends but now I’m on the outskirts again. The worst part is that I wanted to have a party this weekend and I didn’t have one because everyone I would’ve wanted to invite, wouldn’t have been able to come because they were supposedly busy with exams, instead they stood me up for someone else’s party.

Whatever. I don’t need them. And if they don’t need me, then this is goodbye.

I know I haven’t been the best of company the past few months but that is no reason to treat me like an outside. I know you’re all fed-up with my misery and my complaints but it’s not my fault. And, I just have to add, I wish I could end it all so none of you have to endure my condition anymore. If I ended it, you’ll hurt a bit but that will mean the end of my misery. And thus, yours.

Life-raft Theory

Once again I have quite a few things on my mind that I need to let free. I write in order to keep sane.

“I write in order to get that feeling of function achieved and tension relieved that a cow receives upon giving milk.” –H. L. Mencken.

Life-raft idea:

My boyfriend, Hannah, and I went to Harties to visit my ex and Hannah’s brother for three days from Sunday to Tuesday. I’ll elaborate on that later on.

 

On Saturday evening my brother got really violent again. After he was done terrorizing me at about two A.M., he went on to torture my mother. On my way to the bathroom I saw him hitting her and I heard her cry and the pain I felt was unbearable. I just felt that I couldn’t let this go on. Or I couldn’t keep watching and hearing this and not doing anything about it.

So I sms’d Hannah. That was at about two thirty. When he didn’t come online, I went to bed. I switched off my light, turned down the radio and opened my window so that the cold night air could rush in ontp my face. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to sleep but I was dead-tired. At about three fifteen Hannah sms’d me and said he was online. When the message came through, my phone was lying behind me on the bed. I couldn’t move. I craved a smoke like crazy but I didn’t have the energy to light one. I was curious about the text but I couldn’t turn around to see what it said. A few minutes later Hannah missed called me and I got such a fright that I suddenly found the energy to read the message. When I saw it was him saying he’s online I put my pillows up against my headboard and sat back to chat, like I always did.

It was a conversation that I honestly didn’t expect. At first Hannah was very self-belittling because I needed him and he wasn’t there, he didn’t hear my message coming through. I immediately told him to stop it and that it was fine.

From there the conversation went on to the life-raft theory. I’m not sure what to say about the life-raft theory exactly, because if it is to be executed, then it is to remain a secret.

Anyway, all I can say is... “Fok maar dis warm!”

Just kidding. All I can say is that I am broken and breaking more each day. I have no idea where I am headed and it scares me. Hannah got his study-loan after all and that makes me glad. He now has a reason to live. He can now finish his studies and go work one day. He can live. I can not. I don’t even have grade twelve: the most basic requirement for any job. I can waiter for the rest of my life but it isn’t worth it. Besides I can’t really waiter with my eczema.

I don’t want to live any more. Not about Cat. Not about my parents’ apathy. Not about my brother. Not about solitude and loneliness. But about everything. I don’t even have the most basic materialistic resources to live off of. And if I don’t have that, how can I go on looking for love and happiness? It’s not about love and happiness anymore. I literally and physically don’t have what I need in order to survive. On top of that, I’m treated like shit from almost all corners.

Sonnette de Beer, Cat’s mother, apparently spoke to Cat’s boss at the ice-cream shop about me. If she said to the manager what she said to my ex-vice-principal and my youth pastor, then that manager now thinks I am on drugs, I do Satanism, I sleep with anything that walks and that I am a no-good worthless scumbag.

LIGHTBULB MOMENT: Please boycott the Irene Village Mall Memory Lane Ice Cream shop. If you barely ever or never buy from them, please just go there and simply state to the personnel that you’re not satisfied with the treatment and unfair judgment I receive and that you’re not going to support a shop that is driving your friend to suicide. The manager is Cathy. I don’t know Cathy and I am not going to judge her or say anything bad about her but in my opinion it is morally wrong of her to find any problem with me. Ask any of my friends, Cathy, I am good. I am not a bad person.

But whatever. I don’t need you or Cat or Sonnette. I have Hannah. And I AM HAPPY! I have been happier and I have been sadder. But I love him and he loves me and maybe one day Ella can become my skoonsussie. ;)

Hehe anyway, when I started this blog I was very down. I wanted to write about the life-raft theory and I wanted to bitch and moan about my parents and Cat’s mother etc etc but instead I’m going to focus on better things.

I think I love Hannah. Like really love.

He says he loves me and I can’t help but wonder if it’s just because I’m his first real lover, but I appreciate it. He still makes too many sacrifices for me and that bothers me. This relationship is about the both of us so if something about me bothers him I want him to tell me.

When we were in Harties, my mood kept changing all the time, but I had one hell of a lot of fun. I felt so good, so free, so loved, so beautiful. I wish I could go back but I don’t think we’ll be able to go again before the week after next week. Hopefully we can go back again.

NOT HANNAH AND I! I found this pic on the web.

I’m not letting any details slip about all the things we did, but yes, we were in the bedroom. We did behave but whatever. I’m a free spirit and we both love each other. It felt good to be with him. It felt good to reveal myself to him in that way. It felt right. I honestly didn’t think I’d be that okay with it but I was. It felt good. I can’t describe the way he makes me feel. I’m on cloud nine. Despite all the pain and misery we both go through, we’ve found new hope.

We do behave ourselves but when we're together we just wanna connect. On his blog he said that he was in heaven the whole time we were in Harties and that I was his angel. He's becoming my new angel.

I think I’m going to stop there. I’m hitting a blank. I love ya’ll.

Till next time.

Jaydy.

Newly infatuated Jaydy.

Sleepwalking, walking into the ocean and walking back to what I shouldn't>

-written on Sunday 21/11/2010-

“Dear Alice. Things are bad again...”

I remember using that line shortly after watching New Moon from the Twilight Saga. I remember that things WERE indeed bad again.

The day before yesterday, Trix used that line and I very proudly claimed that line as MINE! But I sensed that both of our tempers were on the rise and that a fight was bound to happen so I used the “whatever”-card. I use that card a lot lately. That card, and the “it’s complicated, I shut down”-card. Because that’s what I do lately – I shut down when things become too complicated.  

Unfortunately I think I’m staring one bad-ass, m-effer of a complication in the face and with this one I can’t just turn and run. I’d love to bow my head, pull my tail between my legs and start sulking like a puppy that couldn’t move out of his drunk owner’s way fast enough and got stepped on. I’d love to start looking for the nearest exit and flee, but I’m afraid this time I’ll have to push out my claws and etch tar as I run head first into the eye of this storm.

Cat’s mother discovered that we’ve been talking and seeing each other in private. I was with Cat at her work when her mother called and asked “what she had to know about the two of us”. Seeing Cat’s expression freeze and hearing her heartbeat slow to nearly a complete halt, immediately told me “RUN! Jaydy, RUN!” But... I waited. Things were going so good again and I was just starting to believe that they couldn’t fall apart again. When she hung up, I asked if I should run and my suspicions were confirmed: all is discovered; flee at once.

Then I went to the wimpy and waited for the friend with whom I would’ve gone out that night and nearly started freaking out. My heart raced, my lungs shrank, my palms became sweaty. I ordered a soda and lit a cigarette. (I was kind of disappointed that the waiter didn’t ask for identification. Now that I’m eighteen I can legally enter a smoking section of a restaurant, but now that I’m eighteen, no-one asks for I.D anymore. I guess they just deduce from my casual way of stepping through the glass doors to the designated smoking area that I am allowed.)

It wasn’t long before my friend showed up. He’s a second-year law-student and he was just the guy I needed to see. His boyfriend is a qualified general lawyer with background knowledge of children’s cases so my friend was able to provide me with quite a few answers. Answers that were better than any Valium I could ever need!

Now that Cat’s mother found us out, I was afraid she’d get a restraining order against me. Technically she can. Cat isn’t legal yet so her legal guardians have full consent over matters like that. The good news, though, is that in order to get a restraining order against me Cat’s mother is going to need a minimum of ten thousand rand in lawyer and court fees, and it’s going to take at least ten to twelve months to finalize the thing. And by then, Cat will be eighteen and legal and able to override the thing. Cat doesn’t want a restraining order against me. Her stuck-up, tyrannous, overweight, undereducated, selfish, insecure mother wants a restraining order against me.

All of this might seem like a great relief as it actually means that I can SEE Cat, but I’m still shaking in my boots because of that beast of a woman! (Forgot to add: that day, after my friend arrived at the Wimpy and gave me the good news, we quickly went to the ice-cream shop to tell Cat. Moments later her mother showed up. I got the fright of my life, my friend feared for HIS safety and Cat just froze; just pulled her tail between her legs, bowed her head, retracted her claws and let her mother walk all over her again.)

Anyway, the reason I’m so fearful is that neither Cat’s mother nor her new husband is correctly wired above. The husband is sick. And not as in “cough-cough”. As in the kind of sick person whose penis I’d chop off. Not letting any details slip, as I respect privacy (unlike Cat’s mother and stepfather), but he’s sick and unstable. In my opinion. She, the mother, has threatened me that her husband will hit the shit out of me if I touch “his” daughter. And Cat told me that he threatened to shoot one of her other guy-friends. Firstly, CAT IS NOT HIS DAUGHTER! Secondly, who the hell is he to threaten me after what he’s done to her!?

So... Instead of facing this black widow and her...uhm...man, I’m going to crawl up behind them and take them out at the knee, metaphorically. I’m going to contact a social worker about the conditions under which Cat currently has to live and then I’m going to help Cat find a place of her own, if the social worker is unable to place her in foster care. Once that’s done I’ll be able to peacefully see and talk to her. At least then we won’t have to glance over our shoulders all the time.

Hold thumbs that this plan works as I have no Plan B yet.

Seeing Cat again these last few weeks has been... Good. It has given me a bit of strength and I’m feeling stronger than the last time I was left without her. I wonder if I am now ready to move on and away from her. It still very much seems like that is what she wants me to do. She’s moved on and she doesn’t seem to be planning on moving back.

Things are, unfortunately, still a bit sketchy between my new boyfriend (from here-on referred to as “Lucy”) and I. We’ve been together for two weeks today but we’ve both been too nervous to even kiss each other. Yet we both feel like there’s something big for the two of us in the future. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. Unfortunately, patience is not one of my stronger points. “Patience is key”, I have been told. My comeback? “Yeah, the key to my DEATH!”

I have been becoming just as suicidal as I was a few months ago. Only this time I have absolutely no resources to ease the pain, attempt a coma or even death. None, except the bridge that stands a ten-minute-walk away from my house, but that is not a route I would want to go down. Jumping. When people commit suicide they often believe it will be painless and choosing a method like jumping, especially if from high enough, will be painless enough for the... Victim? For the ESCAPEE! There are then some smart-asses that debate that suicide is not painless, regardless of the method involved, as the people that are left behind are the ones who will be experiencing the pain. And I do agree. Losing someone to suicide is... Hell. That’s why suicide amongst teenagers often trigger a nuclear string of suicides through-out their peers.

The long explanation and background info on suicide is my reason why I wouldn’t jump. If I did decide to end my life, I would want to die a clean death. Slightly dramatic, but subtle. I wouldn’t use a gun or a knife or any other method that will cause a large amount of blood to travel OUT of my body. Nor would I hang myself. Gosh, that sounds so harsh just typing it! ~Shivers~ I would prefer to die peacefully without a fuss. Maybe even without a funeral. If I overdosed then obviously eventually my body would be found and I’d be buried. But with a method like the one Ingrid Jonker chose, I am left with the question: will there be a funeral.

For those of you who don’t know, Ingrid Jonker was a magnificent Afrikaans poet that suffered with depression for many years. One could deduce from her work that she and I are a lot alike: gentle, subtle, yet dramatic. She walked into the ocean one night. Perhaps I should do some research. I can’t exactly recall what the poem’s name was, but a few months before she killed herself, she wrote a poem predicting what she was going to do. I can also not remember whether her body was ever found. That’s why I’m wondering if my body will ever be found if I walked into the ocean. It seems a romantic death to die. Maybe “romantic” isn’t the right word, but it seems sentimental, peaceful. Maybe even painless, even for those left behind. If the body is never found, how will anyone know it was suicide if no note was left? That way people could think it was just a freak accident or something and not blame themselves for not being able to stop me from doing it.

I have always been a rather subtle soul. Gentle. Quiet. Peaceful. Introverted. ‘n Een-kant-kind. Lucy describes himself with that word, too. We are so much alike. Same fears. Same likes. Same dislikes. Same desires. Same backgrounds. Same youths. Same interests...

Anyway, I’m wandering off topic here. I was talking about my suicidality. I don’t mean to be of any harm to anyone, but it’s best I tell someone. It’s best I say it, because one day I will keep quiet and I’ll never speak again after that. I want you all to know that I didn’t ask to have these feelings. I didn’t choose to suffer from depression. Just like you can’t exactly prevent a cold, I couldn’t prevent contracting depression. It’s not my fault and nor is it yours! So I don’t want any of you blaming yourselves for anything that happens to me.

I can of course point fingers but why should I? With most of the people towards whom I could point, I have some background information and understanding with regards to their choices. I understand Cat’s decisions. I understand my parents’ decisions. I understand Lucy’s.

Yet... “Things are bad again...”

Last night my brother went wacko on us again. Assaults, aggression, violence, invasion of privacy, theft, trying to light me on fire. The usual. And it seems the latter IS becoming part of the usual. Lately, every time my brother goes nuts, he tries to light me on fire. Or he warms some metal object and pushes it against my bare skin because that way he can burn me faster and easier. If he uses just a lighter or matches, I am usually able to kill the flame before he can touch me or my clothes with it.

Two things that frustrate me endlessly about a situation like that:

1.       My dad does NOTHING! He stands at my door aiding my brother in the emotional part of the abuse by agreeing with the things he says to me, by telling me that I should’ve listened and stayed in my room like a trapped bird, a slave, a refugee, or by telling me to just lie or sit still and take what I asked for. How the hell can ANY person in their right mind expect me to keep still while a mad person is trying to cut me with a craft-knife or to burn me alive!?

2.       The other thing that I don’t understand, and that thus frustrates me, is that he leaves no proof of anything he does. He never leaves bruises or cuts or any physical marking that could indicate recent assault. He did break open my knuckles with the top of a soda bottle once, and, having finally had enough proof to lock him away, I called the police. Unfortunately the pathetic SAPS couldn’t help; said it was a “family matter: the parents’ problem; go to court”.

I have no idea what I am going to do about my brother’s fits, but something needs to be done. We all love him, when he’s loveable, but when he’s not, he’s just too easy to hate. He’s too violent; too unstable; too inconsiderate; too heartless. I can take the heat until I move out, whenever that might be, even if it’s only in years from now, but my mother and father are the ones I’m concerned about. My dad is old and he won’t be able to handle everything much longer. My mother is very fragile and she and I are the ones that suffer the most under my brother’s iron fist and my father’s stone heart. If I somehow, someday, manage to move out, I can’t just leave her in the same house as that kid. That’s why it would be better if my brother was removed. Financially we’d be better off. We’d be safer. Less embarrassed. Life will be good again.

But my parents won’t ever lock him away. They do care about me, somewhere deep down I’m sure they do. But the problem is that they care about him too. Perhaps too much. I know – their priorities are seriously haywire!

I had a few interesting conversations this morning. Spoke to Trix. Spoke to Moonflower. Cat was online but we didn’t speak. Her mother probably has her phone again.

Moonflower fell asleep in a guy’s arms for the first time last night. Apparently he... Nope. Confidential. I’ll just skip to the part where I tell you how she felt about it. Most parents wouldn’t be too proud of something like that, and that should prevent teenagers from doing it. But it doesn’t. Teenagers fall in love and fall... well... asleep. Just being in someone’s arms the whole night is so relaxing. Such a soothing thought. It isn’t a very extravagant act and it’s nowhere near actual intercourse, even if kissing is involved, but it leaves a lasting impression. It leaves you with the feeling of just wanting to get back in bed because you’d rather be there, then, with him or her, than ANYWHERE else on earth. It calms you. Well, it calms me and it is something I miss dearly, but it is also something I’m scared of experiencing again. To sleep in another person’s arms for an entire night takes a lot of trust. You open your heart and you let that person in. You trust that they’ll keep you safe; safer than you could’ve kept yourself whilst being in the Rapid-Eye-Movement period.

I’m afraid I won’t be able to crawl back out of my shell and that I won’t be able to let someone new in.

Another interesting conversation I had was with Trix. She walks and talks in her sleep. Now, at first, it might make you burst out in laughter, but have you ever wondered what causes it? Isn’t it scary that your subconscious could have so much control that it could actually pick you up out of bed and make you have conversations that you don’t even know about? It’s like living with multi-personalities. When one of your other personalities or your subconscious takes control, you lose all control and you’re stuck in a body that’s walking and talking and doing things that you perhaps wouldn’t have done.

I’m not sure if I’ve ever walked in my sleep, but I know I’ve talked in my sleep. I still do sometimes, but I don’t dream enough or often enough to talk about it in my sleep. That’s basically what happens when a person sleep-talks – they say what they’re saying in their dream. I barely ever dream and if I dream I can barely ever remember what I dreamt. I did have a dream about two nights ago, though. (I didn’t sleep last night so how could I have dreamt?) Anyway, I couldn’t remember the whole dream but I remember that I dreamt that Trix said she liked my new painting, and I remember I dreamt something about Moonflower, but I can’t remember much else. I can barely ever remember details about my dreams. Apparently Vitamin-B12 helps one to remember one’s dreams more clearly. Isn’t it ironic that Vitamin-B12 is an ingredient in most energy drinks, specially formulated to keep you awake?

“Alice... Things are bad again...” Things are always bad lately. I need to watch that movie again! I remember the scene about Bella’s nightmares. The way she screamed and rolled into a little ball of flesh, trying to stop the pain that’s gnawing at her insides. It reminded me so much of Cat and her nightmares. She had nightmares too. Nightmares that were, to me, a lot like Bella’s nightmares were to Charlie. It scared ME to just watch Cat roll over and fold herself up in pain. It was (most of the times) nearly impossible to wake her. I’d have shaken her and tugged and pulled at her but most of the times she wouldn’t wake. Other times, I just had to very gently caress her wrists and she’d wake. (If I remember correctly...) Most of her nightmares were about her stepfather.

That guy still creeps me out.

Anyway, I’m a rambler. I ramble. I...am...rambling now!

Until next time.

Jaydy.