Heaven: Found.

Early Monday morning the nervousy kicked in. It was the day I was finally going to meet Moonflower. It if rained, the meeting would’ve had to be cancelled. I must admit, some part of me hoped for rain. To keep me sane. Just to postpone the meeting for a day or two. But, it didn’t rain. And I am SO glad it didn’t.

Between Hekpoort and Hartbeespoort, God shared a piece of heaven with us. He broke it out of the skies and placed it neatly upon the Earth. For as long as I can remember, I have been in love with Hartbeespoort and Hartbeespoort Dam. The mountains. The grey-blue heaps of stone and fauna and flora stuck into the Earth’s core. The green water, like a meadow in the wrong place. Green like grass. The way it shimmers in the sunlight and throws a reflection of the sky above up at you as you stare out over the miles of uninhabitable water-lands, has always had me mesmerized.

I thought there was no other place like it on the planet. I don’t have words to describe the place. Those of you that have been there, and those of you that share my love for places like that, would understand.

But I was wrong, however. Because there IS a place better than Harties.

A small town just South-West of Hartbeespoort, with two general dealers, three schools, a small police station, a small clinic with one doctor, one lawyer and a small handful of restaurants and lodges, has stolen my heart. Layers upon layers upon layers of forestry, mountains and rivers flowing freely. A land lost outside of time. A world almost untouched by human hands. Ancient ruins of a pointless war once fought in our beautiful country. Animals roaming free. I doubt highly in the absence of werewolves, vampires and fairies in a place like Hekpoort. They would fit perfectly into the magical surroundings.

For a day, I went to heaven.

For a day, I was in a fairy-tale.

On our way, I was talking to Moonflower on MXit so she can give us the right directions etc. I must admit. I was nervous as hell. I wasn’t sure if Moonflower and Hannah saw each other as friend or foe. I was very uncertain about how her parents would feel about me. Semi-queer. Dyed hair. An earring. I was also afraid that we’d get there, and have no idea what to say to each other.

But it was all for nothing.

I had no reason to be as nervous as I was. The place is amazing, and even though they are miles from the nearest cinema, there are millions of things to do. Moonflower and her brothers kept Hannah and me busy the entire day, showing us Barton’s Folly, the house on the hill, the river hidden behind the cliffs of Barton’s folly. We were so tired at the end of the day. We weren’t bored for a second, and we haven’t seen half of the valley!

Moonflower took Hannah and me to see the house on the hill behind them. I can’t really say much about the place, because there is no point in it. They never finished building the place and when I suggested that Hannah, Moonflower and I finish it on our own, everyone gave me that look asking if I really am crazy. So I don’t know if I should get my hopes up for finishing it. We did, however, get the go-ahead from Moonflower’s father, to start cleaning up the place. Get all the weeds and rocks out of the house. Clear a path down to the gate etc. But I don’t know if we’ll ever be able to convince him to allow us to finish building it. It will cost hundreds of thousands of rands and none of have that kind of money right now. I am in no hurry. I just want something to do with my life, something to spend my time on. I am willing to go up on that hill and clear out the rubble all on my own. And one day in the distant future, when we can afford the required building materials, I am willing to carry every brick, every window-frame, every tile, every pane of glass and every drop of cement up there, all on my own. Using only my bare hands if necessary.

There I go again. Fantasizing out loud. I am in doubt. I don’t think we’ll ever get permission, and if we do, I doubt we’ll get the money. Between Hannah, Moonflower and me, it could take us a few decades to get all the money we need.

Maybe we can finish it as our place to retire to one day when we’re old and grey. Maybe we could finish it as a holiday home. A home away from home. Either way, as insane an idea as it is, I want to finish it. I want to build a pathway down to the main-house, mosaic’d all the way from top to bottom. I want to have fairies all over the place. Fairies and Goblin’s and Garden Gnomes and Unicorns and other magical mystical beings.

-sigh- Maybe one day...

After that we went rock-climbing at Barton’s Folly. Barton’s Folly is a fort that was built and used during the Boere-war. It is amazing to think I was inside a building that hasn’t been used for over a hundred years. It is still in mint condition and stands upon a hill for all to see. Timeless. Magical. After we scurried around inside the “ruins” of Barton’s Folly, we explored the rest of the mountain/hill/cliff until we were on the other side, where the river is. It is insanely high, yet people cliff-dive from it. The water down below is luckily deep enough. It reminded me of New Moon, where the werewolf boys cliff-dive for “recreational purposes”, as Bella explained to Alice.

-Hitting a blank again-

The few hours we spent there was amazing. There isn’t any words for it. It’s like a fairy-tale. Magical. Mystical. Timeless. Unscarred.

I can say one thing though.

That visit to Hekpoort changed my life forever. I still get my occasional mood swings and suicidal tendencies (which no-one can blame me for because I can’t help it!), but I have a hope for the future. I have plans and new year’s resolutions.

1. I don’t plan on staying at home for much longer.

2. I plan on getting my learner’s license and learning how to drive before March. By the end of 2011 I plan on having my driver’s license. No hopes just yet for my own car, but that’s fine.

3. I plan on getting rid of all the junk I have accumulated over the past eighteen years.

4. I plan on keeping Cat out of my life, out of my mind, and out of my vocabulary.

5. I plan on doing SOMETHING about that house on the hill!

6. I plan on getting my poetry printed and sorted so that they’ll be ready when I find a publisher.

7. I plan on focusing a lot more on my art, which includes my newly found band Krashlight, my mosaic-business and my poetry.

8. I plan on staying a non-smoker.

9. I plan on returning to being blonde.

Just to name a few...

That’s all for now.

Happy new year!

Probably the final post of 2010

It’s been quite some time since I’ve posted anything on my blog and it’s been quite a struggle since my last post.

We are almost at the end of this year and as I look back, I find it hard to believe that I am still in a state to type this. I find it hard to believe that I’m still alive and to understand how exactly I managed to survive. Not to step on any toes, but everyone that will be reading this knows how emotionally destroyed I have been and how badly I have wanted to die over the last six to eight months. Many of you also know of the many attempts I had at ending my life. Many of you have cried. Many of you believed I was gone. Forever. Never to return. Only to sigh a sigh of relief and utter a tantrum of disappointment when you realized that I am still alive. Disappointment at the attempt, relief at the survival.

I have apologized before and I shall apologize again. I shall also apologize that it is still what I want; what I feel I need to do. Some of you actually get why I want to rather die than spend my life digging through dustbins or sponging on friends. Some of you actually WANT to be okay with losing me. I love all of you, because none of you can say I won’t be missed and that I am not loved. None of you won’t cry. None of you won’t be devastated.

I have thought a great deal about how it would be if I survived and how it would be if I didn’t. I’ve recalled my parents and their friends drinking and socializing around a braai-fire when I was a little boy. I’ve imagined sitting around a fire with all of you and your husbands and wives. I’ve imagined spending Christmas with you, celebrating the new year, surprise birthday parties, visiting any of you that might find yourselves in a hospital bed one day. I’ve imagined mourning with you, and laughing with you. I’ve imagined worries that we’d share in the future, merely because that’s what friends do: they worry together and party together and cry together and laugh together.

But I can’t see past death.

I cannot think how it would be without me here. I know the first few years will be hell and I know all of you will constantly hear songs and see signs that remind you of me. But I can’t imagine how life will be for you. I can’t imagine what your spouses and children will be told about me. I do know, however, that I will linger forever. Those of you that are still in my life are so close to me, that I know I’ve made such a significant impression on all of you that none of you will ever forget me.

There are twenty-three days left of this year and I promised many of you that IF I was to attempt ANYTHING again, that I’d wait until 2011. I need to see all of you within the next three weeks. Moonflower, Trix. Moonflower and Trix? Just you two? I know for a fact you two would want to see me before I go, but who else? L-Bunny? Fishy? Odelz? Deathberry? Cat??

I will make a plan to see everyone I want and need to see before this year is over, whether I will die soon or not.

Let me get back to reminiscing about the year.

It was unpleasant. If I wrote a book JUST about the past year, I’d be a millionaire! Most of my most emotional times were woven into this year’s timeline.

December 2009:

In late December last year, I finally came to terms with my sexuality.

Then I met C.S. and I thought I’d marry him. We were planning on moving down to Melkbos. We were going to live at the coast.

January 2010:

Then I lost him.

Then I was destroyed about my sexuality, driven to the first near suicide of this year by it, and I prayed. I begged God to make me heterosexual and to send someone across my path to keep me that way.

March 2010:

Then I met Cat.

Then I was absent from school for three weeks and no-one noticed so she forgot me and I forgot her. Then I returned.

Then she saw me again and it was like someone had shone in her eyes with a mirror. My name was called out during assembly. I was in trouble again, even though I was innocent as usual. (That school always picked on me and most of the times I was able to prove them wrong, but having my name called out in front of the entire grade was humiliating and it was one of the greatest contributors to my devastation.) Cat was mesmerized by me, even though she didn’t know who I was.

Then we met again.

Then I changed subjects from design to biology and I needed a tutor. Sitting next to Cat at the time, she offered to give me some extra classes in the afternoons.

Then...the first lesson. We talked about everything except the biology. We learned a great deal about each other in those few hours.

Then she walked me home. She was in a relationship with one of my friends at the time and she’d never been kissed before. Knowing that I have, she asked me if I’d teach her. In secret.

Then she spent a weekend at my house for the first time.

Then we kissed.

Then it went further.

May 2010:

Then the truth started to reveal itself and I started to break down and crumble before her eyes, because of her.

30 May 2010:

Cat slept over at my aunt’s house for the first time. Her stepmother went wacko again and her father dropped her off at Menlyn. My aunt and her husband were there at the same time. They picked me up, I went to Cat, we went to my aunt, and she slept over.

Morning of 4 June 2010:

I was writing in my diary when Cat wanted some coffee so I stopped writing and made her, her coffee.

Afternoon of 4 June 2010:

I fell asleep next to her, not wearing much. And then the phone rang.

Then her mother re-appeared into her life. (Cat was living with her father when we met because it wasn’t safe in the same house as her mother’s sick new husband.)

Then Cat was taken away. First to her mother’s home a half an hour away from me, and then to her aunt’s house, two hour’s drive away, for the holidays.

11 June 2010: Kia.

19 June 2010: Kia R.I.P.

Later in June 2010:

Cat’s return to her father’s house.

July 2010: School’s reopening, one week before Expo exhibition.

July 2010: Monday morning: day of Expo exhibition: I fainted on the bridge and was carried to the office where my father came to get me and take me home.

Monday night: Expo exhibition.

4 August 2010:

Cat relocated back to her mother’s new house in Elarduspark.

7 August 2010: Fifth month anniversary.

8 August 2010: Sonnette de Beer stole my personal journal out of Cat’s laptop bag, abusing both of our rights to privacy.

18 August 2010: Things started ending.

Somewhere between then and November 7^th: Molested.

5 November 2010: First message from Hannah.

7 November 2010: Met Hannah.

7 December 2010: One month anniversary between Hannah and I.

That’s just a very rough summary of the past year. Many things were left unsaid. Many vengeance was never gotten. Many lives were changed and saved and ruined and restarted.

Before this year is over I want to see the sea. I want to be there and taste the salt on my skin and fell the water and feel the wind and feel the sun. I need to go to the sea. My only way of getting there is Hannah. Hannah’s brother will say that I’m just using him for free transport and his money. And that is not the case. If Hannah and I will be going down to the coast I’ll be paying for everything. I’ll be treating him. I don’t want him to spend one single cent on that journey. I am not sure if it’s the journey or the destination that I want more. Traveling down to the coast with Hannah and good music would be an amazing experience and being there with him would be even better. It would generate memories that we might not get another chance to generate. It will produce photos that we won’t be able to take anywhere else and they’ll be cherished more than any other.

I am not sure what else I’d want to blog about but I needed to do this post. I am not sure if I’ll blog again this year but if I don’t, I won’t be throwing myself with stones over it. I felt I needed to do this one but I am not going to obligate myself to writing anymore this year. I will see everyone again.

It’s been a long year. Let us hope it will end well.

Art Ideas

Knight's Templar Cross

Triple Goddess/ Waning, Full, Waxing Moon/ Triple Moon



Triskel Spiral




Triskel Spiral



Compass Cross



Triquetra




Eye of Horus/ Eye of Ra




Pentagram



Just another disappointing lonely day.

“This is not the end
This is not the beginning
Just a voice like a riot
Rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone
And the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady
Something empty’s within ‘em

We say yeah

With fists flying up in the air
Like we’re holding onto something that’s invisible there
‘Cause we’re living at the mercy of the pain and the fear
Until we dead it forget it
Let it all disappear...

...I’m holding on to what I haven’t got...” – Linkin Park, Waiting For The End

Sometimes it feels like I am just waiting for the end to come. For some tragedy to hit me. To be hit by a truck or to be killed in a robbery. Sometimes it feels like my end is so close. But other times it feels like nothing is ever going to happen if I don’t pick up my ass and do something. I am not going to get over Cat if I don’t put in a conscious effort to forget her.

“A memory can’t be erased. I know, because I’ve tried.

I start to feel the emptiness

And everything I’m gonna miss

I know, that I can’t hide” – Lifehouse, Come Back Down.

I am not going to marry Hannah if one of doesn’t propose. I am not going to get out of my house if I don’t get a job and start paying rent for my own place. I am not going to finish school if I don’t pick up the phone and call a homeschooling institution to find out what they charge. Cat isn’t going to get out of her circumstances if I don’t call a social worker or find her an apartment. I am not going to die if I don’t take my life on my own.

And if I don’t die, I am going to live forth, thus having quite a few tasks at hand. Getting a job, finding a homeschooling institution, moving out, getting a ring, finding a venue, finding a preacher-creature to marry us, finding an orphanage, choosing a child, or finding a surrogate mother.

Hannah wants a son named Skye, Cloud or Jess. Who has a name like Cloud? Lol. It’s cute though. That child will be less of a cloud, and more like the silver lining around a cloud. Surprisingly, Skye and Jess are both names that I’d give to my child. I actually wanted a daughter named Skye. Jess can be both a boy’s name or a girl’s. I am not sure if I want a boy or a girl. I think I want a boy and a girl. Another name I’d want to give to my daughter is Hayley. There are so many names to choose from and I don’t even have a kid yet! But it’s fun to dream.

It is a pity that Hannah and I can’t reproduce. I would have loved for my child to have his eyes. I get lost in his eyes. He describes them as a pale, plain grey colour. To me they are more of an intriguing, mesmerizing mixture between green, blue and grey. His pupils are these deep, dark pools of black. Like a black hole in space, they lure me in. They swallow me whole and I am lost within them within seconds. His eyes are so mysteriously and powerfully beautiful. When his pupils are shrunk by light when he’s standing in brightness, his irises do exactly the same. They overwhelm me and they boggle my mind. It’s hard to describe the beauty in his eyes. Besides the windows to his soul, it’s hard to describe him.

It’s hard to describe his body, his personality, his demure, his movements, his posture, his purity, his serenity, his brilliance, his innocence. I really loved Cat and many other people before her, and it wasn’t a lie: my love for her is like no other. But it’s been nearly a month, a mere month, that I’ve been with Hannah and I am lost for words. I am lost within HIM! He is purer than my mind can grasp. He is kinder and more selfless than my mind can fathom. He is gentler and subtler than my mind can understand. And I am willing to give up everything and everyone for him.

“Talking to myself in public

Dodging glances on the train

I know, I know they’ve all been talking ‘bout me

I can hear them whisper

And it makes me think there must be something wrong

With me

Out of all the hours thinking

Somehow

I’ve lost my mind” – Matchbox Twenty, Unwell

“Of all the things I’ve lost in life, I miss my mind the most.” – Ozzy Osbourne

I am not who I used to be. I am not the blonde, blue-eyed boy everyone got to know as I grew up. I have changed so much. If some of my cousins were to walk past me in a mall now, I doubt they’d recognize me. Especially if I can disguise myself even more with a pair of glasses. I was always against smoking and smokers and at one stage I banned smoking in my room. No one was allowed to come near me or my room with a lit cigarette. Now I smoke like a chimney and I don’t care what people think or say.

I used to be very shy and introverted. Now I sing as I walk in the streets and I don’t care what people think as they drive past me. The only problem I still have is that I am afraid to be openly gay. Or openly bisexual. I am afraid of kissing Hannah in public and I don’t know why. It’s about us, not about the rest of the world. Be a bitch. I should stop giving a damn about other people. How can long-lasting, unconditional love be a sin? How can it be morally wrong?

I am starting to talk in circles again.

“Ek twyfel, twyfel, twyfel terwyl ek antwoord gee op

Wêreldse vrae.

Hulle soek antwoorde.

En hulle soek,

‘n logiese verduideliking.

Maar daar’s iets, ja iets

Wat hulle nie verstaan.

Iets wat hulle harte

Te bowe gaan.

Miskien is hulle net te veel met gewone dinge gepla.” – Glaskas, Stormstilte.

“Like a ghost I’ll need a key.

Your best friend, I’ve come to be.

Please don’t think of getting up for me.

You don’t even have to speak.

I’ve been here for just one day.

You’ll already miss me, if I go away.

So close the blinds and shut the door.

You won’t need other friends anymore.” – Dido, Don’t leave home.

I feel like that song is a message from Hannah to me. He’ll keep me warm when I’m cold and he’ll be my safety.

Cat: M.I.A

If anyone out there has any contact, verbally or physical, with Cat, please tell her to contact me as soon as possible.

Am I hearing wedding bells already!?

I am more confused than ever before. A part of me is still holding onto her and it doesn’t seem like it will ever let go. But things are going great between Hannah and I. I am to Hannah what Cat is to me. Being without Cat is killing me and if Hannah was left without me, it would kill him too. He is so dependent of me, emotionally. That could be both good and bad. If we can be together, it’s a good thing. If we can’t, then it’s bad. Very bad. Being without me will destroy him.

Anyways, the reason for my confusion is that I don’t know who to be with, and who to let go. Cat doesn’t seem to want me back. Hannah loves me to bits and he does want me. More than anything. The topic has come up with both of them; Hannah AND Cat. Cat and I were engaged. Hannah and I are...talking about it.

He wrote in his blog about how he imagined his wedding one day. He’s been planning it since he was a little kid. The only difference now is that it is going to be with a guy, and not a girl. It’s the same with me. Since early childhood I’ve dreamt about getting married. I’ve dreamt of the décor and the food and the people and the things that will be said and the venue. And I always thought I’d marry a woman. Now things have changed. I’m interested in guys too, and at this point in my life, it seems I’m happier with a guy.

There are still so many things that Hannah and I need to work out. Things like his selflessness. He makes too many sacrifices for me. Another problem is his family. I don’t think his brother likes me very much and that makes me reluctant to meet his mother, father and grandparents. I’ve heard his mother talk to Hannah over the phone and she sounded like a real bitch. (No offence.) Ella, Hannah’s brother’s boyfriend, and also a close friend of mine, has spoken to the in-laws and he is also hesitant when it comes to them.

For a while now, I have been concerned that Hannah would regret his first kiss being from a boy and not a girl, like God intended when he made Adam and Eve. Hannah found a boyfriend before he found a girlfriend and he liked what he experienced, so he decided to stick with it. In my opinion, it is very unfair of himself toward himself. He deserves to know what else is out there, what else life has to offer.

But in his latest blog post, he made it very clear that he loves ME, because of me. And that he doesn’t want to know what else is out there. He wants to be with me. A while back he said no other man and no other woman will ever be able to make him as happy as I make him.

I accept.

It doesn’t help I fight against this. Hannah and I are together now. I do still wish I could’ve married Cat, but it doesn’t seem she wants me back. She’s had her chance. I’ve been texting her for a week and she still hasn’t replied. I hope that there is some misunderstanding and that she isn’t ignoring me on purpose. But besides that, she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore. I’ve been through this before; I’m not going through it again.

If she wants me, she better tell me fast, because I’m moving on. And hopefully, I’ll soon be moving away.

Hannah wants me and he says it straight-out.

Both Hannah and Cat love me, but the difference is that Hannah wants a family with me, or is willing to have a family with me, and Cat isn’t. The difference is that Hannah wants to wake up next to me each morning for the rest of his life, whereas Cat... doesn’t.

I honestly don’t know what she wants. And I am talking in circles here.

LET ME START OVER:

Today is a bad day. I am confused and lonely, but the solitude is helping me make up my mind.

About a year ago I was in love with Ella and Fishy both at the same time. I was dating Ella and Fishy was my best friend. I hadn’t seen Ella for quite a while and one day I wrote in my diary that I wanted to be with Ella. And I knew that I wanted to be with him, because when I couldn’t see either of them for quite some time, it was Ella I missed the most. Not Fishy.

I am older and more mature now. I tried to use that same method to find out who I want to be with, but it isn’t going to work this time. I miss Cat the most. It freaks me out the most when I don’t hear from her, not him. But this time I won’t choose the person I want to be with. I’ll choose the person that wants to be with me the most.

I have issues with both of them. Hannah is too selfless and Cat is sometimes too selfish and daring.

I think Hannah is less mature than I am, but I think he’s growing up fast. And I think Cat is sometimes too mature for me.

All three of us have lived completely different lives.

I shouldn’t go into detail...

My choice is Hannah, because as far as I know, Cat doesn’t want me. She didn’t throw me away. We were torn apart. But now she doesn’t want to mend what we had.

The issues I have with Hannah can be fixed in time.

Skipping to the wedding part.

Hannah wants a real wedding with multi-colored Lilies and he wants us both to wear black suits and he wants us to do the opening-dance-thing like in the movies. The song he wants to dance to on our wedding night, as the opening dance, is At The Beginning by Anastacia.

He’s dreamt about that night for quite some time and I respect his wishes. I want to grant him his wishes. But I’m not so sure if I want to go all out with my wedding like he wants to; not if it’s with a man. I have nothing against the idea of marrying the boy I love, but I believe my family will have a problem with it.

I have become so broken and fragile that it scares me to think of having a wedding. I’m okay with getting married, but the wedding part is frightening. I don’t know how I’ll prepare for it.

But it will be the happiest night of both Hannah and my life.

If I had to force myself to fantasize about my wedding I’d say I’d want to get married outdoors, near a large mass of water. Like a lake or the ocean. It’d be wonderful to get married at the sea, but it’s practically impossible. There are many beautiful lakes and dams around Gauteng. I just want it outdoors. Someplace with lots of green. Not some dried out bushveld around a fire! Ew.

Okay that’s all I’ve got.

Playing god...

“You don’t have to believe me but the way I see it, next time you point a finger, I might have to bend it back and break, break, break it off. Next time you point a finger, I’ll point you to the mirror.” – Paramore, Playing god.

Over the last few months I have tried playing god quite a few times, and so have a few of my friends. What do we as pitiful humans have to offer, that makes us think so holy of ourselves? Why do we think of ourselves as so powerful?

“I am a flower quickly fading. Here today and gone tomorrow. A wave tossed in the ocean; a vapour in the wind. Still You hear me when I’m calling; Lord, You catch me when I’m falling. And You’ve told me who I am. I am Yours.” – Casting Crowns, Who am I?

The time we spend on earth passes in the blink of an eye, for God. Why does it feel so long for us? Why are we so impatient? A dear friend of mine, Ella, said that we shouldn’t desire being praised here on earth, because those that are praised here and now, will be the ones humiliated in Heaven, and those who are humiliated and stepped on on earth, will be praised in Heaven. I am not going to argue, but it doesn’t make anything any easier.

Over the last few months I have repeatedly been reduced to tears and I have repeatedly reduced quite a few loved ones to tears. I am truly sorry for every tear each one of you shed over me and my decisions, desires and misery. So many of you lie awake at night trying to think of SOMETHING you can do to make things better for me, without prevalence or success. Many of you are walking in similar shoes, and I lie awake wondering what I can do to change that.

I believe that none of you have been through what I have been through, not everything I have been through, but some of you do have the same wounds and scars. Some of you have experienced some of the pain I have experienced. Some of you simply have a great understanding of what I have been through because I described it in such excruciating detail that you pretty much got the whole picture.

I thank my stars that none of you had to go through the hell I had to go through this year. And I thank my stars that the hell some of you had to endure is now over. Some of you are still dealing with certain problems and I pray that it will pass soon, and that life will get better for you, because every one of you deserves to be happy.

Now some of you might argue and say that so do I. I’m not going to argue. I do want happiness and I do deserve it. In my opinion. But I can’t skip any steps.

I believe there are a few basic requirements or needs that you simply need to have before you can go on looking for luxuries like love and happiness. Those basic requirements are things like food, water, and shelter. In my case, health care is included in that category because without medicine, my eczema can completely paralyze me and prevent me from being able to do anything productive.

Strangely enough I already have love. I don’t know if I am happy. It’s a wide topic. I am not happy with how things are going at this point in my life or with how things are looking for my future. But I am happy whenever I am with Hannah. I am happy whenever I am with Cat. I am happy whenever I talk to Moonflower or Trix or L-Bunny. And most importantly, I am happy whenever you are happy. I might not have a strong sense of empathy, but it still makes me glad to see any of you being okay, being happy.

I don’t want to take Cat out of the picture, but it appears she’s fading. It appears life has forced me and is forcing me to move on... Some part of me is stubborn and doesn’t want to let her go. Some part of me is still hoping for the engagement to be re-established and for things to return to how they were. Cat and I were going to have a child and a family one day, and I wanted to marry a woman so I could have a kid.

After devastation hit, I gave up on my dreams of being married and having a child. How could I long for something like that if I can’t even take care of myself?

The only thing that is constant about my life is its inconstancy.

Things keep changing. Hannah and I haven’t been together for too long, I don’t know how he feels about children, and his family is already on my bad-side (maybe it’s the other way around; explanation to follow shortly), but I do want to have a child with him one day. It probably won’t be our own as neither of us can reproduce without a womb for our child, but maybe we can find a surrogate mother. There are already a few people I have in mind as the surrogate mother of our child, but I think you’ll freak out if I talked to you about it now already. I’m going to keep it quiet for now and keep dreaming about it. I’ll keep that dream alive, but I will constantly remind myself that it’s merely a dream.

In the past year, so many of my dreams came true, and it made me believe that dreams really could come true and that it was worth it to dream. But after almost all those dreams were taken away again, I stopped believing they could be granted eventually. So I will dream and wish, but I won’t allow myself to get my hopes up.

Hannah is out of the closet. His brother was the one who made the match and got the two of us together, and if things will ever go as far and become as bad as having to end it all, it will be his fault too. He told his mother that his brother is gay and that we’re dating. Which lead to a very uncomfortable conversation. (I wasn’t involved, THANK HEAVENS!) Hannah said that everything was fine and that they talked it out, but my frustration is just that it was our private business! It has nothing to do with anyone! Coming out is a VERY sensitive matter and many teenagers are driven to suicide by prejudices and homophobia. Many teenagers are simply too afraid to tell their families about their sexuality due to a fear of being pushed aside and abandoned or rejected, and because of that fear, they themselves can never come to terms with who and what they are and eventually they end everything.

I know I talk about suicide a lot, but this is stuff that people have to know!

Engage the brain when engaging the mouth! THINK before you speak or do.

I am very mad at Hannah’s brother because he told his mother about Hannah and I; and I am mad at Hannah’s mother for telling his grandparents, with whom he’s currently living. It had nothing to do with any of them, and even though they’re fine with it, things could’ve backfired drastically. For many teens things do backfire.

After that whole scenario, Hannah’s brother went on dragging my name through the mud by bitching and moaning about things he had to buy while we visited him and Ella in Harties.

PAUSE, REWIND:

When Hannah and I were in Harties, I asked if I could make us Don Pedros, which required Ice-cream, Liqueur and milk. The milk they had, but we had to buy the Ice-cream and the Liqueur. I was deeply hurt to hear he (Hannah’s brother) spoke to their mother about the stuff we bought, because both Hannah’s brother AND Ella repeatedly assured me it was fine, and that they’d pay.

PLAY:

I feel so betrayed. He was wearing a mask the whole time! I am going to pay back that money, because I can, I want to, and I won’t be taken for a fool and then gossiped about behind my back.

Another reason why I am mad at Hannah’s brother is because he told his mother that I only use Hannah for money and that I intimidate him. WTF!? Firstly, why and how the hell can I use Hannah for his money IF HE DOESN’T HAVE ANY!!?? Secondly, how am I intimidating him? Maybe you shouldn’t use words you can’t spell! Thirdly, he was the one who put Hannah and I together, so why is he fucking things up now?

When Hannah told me last night what his brother had done, I was furious and I even considered ending the relationship. I had enough trouble from Cat’s family, I don’t need it from his, too, and I can’t handle it from his, too, either. I am sick of everyone teaming up against me.

I just want to fade into the background like I was forced to do in primary school. I don’t mind spending time with those that treat me well and right, but the rest of you, if you have some problem, keep it to yourself, build a bridge and GET OVER IT! Leave me alone if you don’t like me. Just shut up about and around me.

Another person who could use a nice big cup of shut the fuck up, is my aunt. I really love her, but I’m not her slave. Most of the time when I come over to her place, I get here early in the morning while she’s till in bed. When she wakes up, I usually come and work on the pc in her bedroom. It’s faster and it has internet access so this is where I do my blog most of the time. Anyways, she usually stays in bed for another while unless she has an early appointment somewhere. If I don’t have to get up to get her more cigarettes, I have to get up to make her more coffee. Or if one of her eight cats makes a sound in another room, it is I that has to get up and go see what’s up. This morning for example, there was a pigeon in the house and the cats were making a fuss, so I had to see that the bird got out. If I didn’t catch it myself, I had to call her maid. I don’t know if her maid minds being bossed around, but I don’t! I’m her nephew for Pete’s sake!

I understand why she is the way she is, why she’s so lazy, grumpy, bossy and selfish. She has a lot of worries. She lost her job this year and she hasn’t found a new one yet. She has to go to a psychiatric clinic because her therapist told her church that she’s an alcoholic. She’s under a lot of pressure, but so am I, and I don’t take my shit out on anyone, although Fishy once said that I do. Honestly, if I do take out my stress and worries on those around me, tell me, so that I can fix the problem. As I’m typing this I recall how bitchy I was yesterday with Hannah. Luckily Hannah understands that I have a lot of things bottled up that I need to let out of my system. He understands that I was angry and bitchy yes, but not at him. He wasn’t my problem; he was part of my solution. And hopefully he is going to be part of my solution for quite a while.

A while ago, all I wanted to do was to stop thinking about Cat and our situation. I was awake for numerous days at a time and it was driving me insane. I needed to sleep but couldn’t. Either my eczema kept me awake or my mind did. I considered many dangerous things to make me sleep, but eventually I just waited it out.

 

When I met Hannah, things started getting better within me and I can now sleep more peacefully, if my brother or my eczema doesn’t keep me up. I also found a cure for my dreamlessness. I’m not saying what it is, but it is legal. I do take more than the recommended dosage but not lethally too much. The recommended dosage won’t let me sleep; it just eases physical discomfort. That’s why I boost the dosage so that it knocks me out. What an exaggeration!? It doesn’t knock me out; it just helps me fall asleep quicker and helps me sleep deeper. And if I sleep deep enough, I can dream. I almost never dream, and if I do, I can barely ever remember what I dreamt.  Besides that, if I sleep I can’t think. I don’t want to think. I can’t control my thoughts and it hurts too much to think. I am confused and scared about so many things so if I can’t party or sleep, I think myself into a wall. I run into it repeatedly. And the wall never breaks. It’s always there.

At this moment, I am confused about marriage, I am confused about my education, I am confused about the life-raft-theory. I am confused about Hannah because of the shit his brother caused. I am confused about Cat because of the trouble her mother caused and still causes. I can’t take it anymore. I just want to sleep.

My brother has a friend over this weekend which means he’ll give me a bit of peace. I can rest.

I’ll chat with Hannah and Moonflower and probably Trix, until I can’t stay awake anymore or until they go to bed. Trix said I can let her know if I can’t sleep so that we can chat. I don’t want to wake anyone just for a chat, but I want everyone to know that if you need me, let me know, otherwise I will feel like crap for not being there. I don’t always have the answers to your questions but I have two ears that are yours to talk to and two shoulders for you to cry on.

I know I write a lot but this is the place where I let all of my bottled up thoughts free. If you don’t like reading you’re in the wrong place.

I had another disappointment today. Apparently one of my friends had a party and everyone was there and I wasn’t invited. I’m not in grade two anymore. If they don’t need me, I don’t need them, but this is pathetic and cruel. A few months ago I thought I was a part of that circle of friends but now I’m on the outskirts again. The worst part is that I wanted to have a party this weekend and I didn’t have one because everyone I would’ve wanted to invite, wouldn’t have been able to come because they were supposedly busy with exams, instead they stood me up for someone else’s party.

Whatever. I don’t need them. And if they don’t need me, then this is goodbye.

I know I haven’t been the best of company the past few months but that is no reason to treat me like an outside. I know you’re all fed-up with my misery and my complaints but it’s not my fault. And, I just have to add, I wish I could end it all so none of you have to endure my condition anymore. If I ended it, you’ll hurt a bit but that will mean the end of my misery. And thus, yours.