Warning

“Alice... Things are bad again...”

I wonder how many blogs I am going to start with those words.

Let me start over.

“Don’t tell me it’s not worth trying for. You can’t tell me it’s not worth dying for... There’s nowhere unless you’re there.” – Bryan Adams, Everything I do, I do for you.

I am alone. I feel unloved and unwanted. I understand why he won’t come get me. But I think it’s unreasonable. I think it’s unfair that he won’t drive through. But there’s nothing I can do to change things. Four days until Tuesday seems like just four short little days to everyone else. To me it’s a lifetime. I want to say that I can’t wait that long, because it truly feels like I can NOT. But what else can I do, but wait?

Over the past few days I have thought a lot about leaving him. I do NOT want to. It’s the last thing I want. But is it working? Are things okay between us? My honest feelings are that he’s become lazy and selfish since he moved to Brits. And I don’t feel his love anymore.

And another thing... He doesn’t listen anymore.

Kia is dead because someone refused to listen to me when I told them to get medical help. I almost died on Tuesday night because my father refused to listen to me when I told him I needed to get to an ER. Sorry if this is private, Trixy, but I warned her, too, about many guys that were going to hurt her and she refused to listen to me. In the end she got hurt.

And now, Hannah also refuses to listen to me. I keep telling him he NEEDS to relax, he NEEDS to see me and we NEED to be together AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. But he’s not listening. Things build up inside both of our hearts and those things need to be let out. The only way to let those things out is to be together. Is to release and relieve each other’s stresses and worries. We both NEED each other’s company but he’s not listening. When the shit hits the fan, it won’t be my fault.

I think I’m done. I’ve said what I wanted to say and that’s that. There is nothing I can do. The warnings have been issued. Whether they’ll be listened to, is not up to me.

Reasons why you should come get me tomorrow, sweety

1. You made me look forward to seeing you THIS weekend and now you've let me down.
2. You'll have to drive twice in anyways.
3. We both NEED to see each other AS SOON AS POSSIBLE and you KNOW it.
4. Next week You'll have to study.
5. I have people to see and things to do next week DURING the week, which is why a weekend is better.
6. I planned my cortisone cycle perfectly so that my eczema would be fine when I see you this weekend. By Tuesday my eczema will have flared up again.
7. I pay for your fuel. Every last drop to get here and back home.
8. Whether you go to your father or not, you STILL have to drive through to Pretoria to pick me up. Only twice. Not three times.
9. Tuesday is very faraway. The amount of time we'll be able to spend together is less important than WHEN we see each other. We need to see each other now, not in a week's time.
10. "Friends are like parachutes. If they're not there the first time you need them, chances are you won't be needing them again."

2011

Dear Readers.

I don’t know which way to run anymore. Nothing ever changes around here. I had so many plans for this year and all of them are already seeming to fall apart. I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am becoming self-destructive again. Hannah is out of town. Permanently. And it just showed me once again that I am all alone on this planet. Yeah sure. Many, if not all of you, love me endlessly, but none of you can really help me. You can keep me company, but the sun always sets and the time to go home always comes. And then I’m alone again. You can organize a sleep-over, but eventually I’ll have to leave.

I can’t wait to see Hannah and Moonflower again. I am so happy around them. Around them I feel human. Around them I am free.

Hannah asked me what I wanted to do this year. Something crazy. He said he wanted to bungee jump, ride horses and ride in a hot air balloon. I’d love to ride in a hot air balloon, but isn’t it a bit pricy? I’d also love to ride horses, regularly, but where? I don’t have a horse and there are absolutely no horse-riding-ranches around here. But yeah, it would be fun. I also want to go explore caves in Hekpoort. Swim in a river. Go camping. Go fishing with Hannah and Moonflower. I want to rock-climb. Hike more. Eat less. (While we’re on the topic, oh my googly-ness! I picked up four kay’s since Christmas!) Oh, and I’m blonde again. Hehe.

Heaven: Found.

Early Monday morning the nervousy kicked in. It was the day I was finally going to meet Moonflower. It if rained, the meeting would’ve had to be cancelled. I must admit, some part of me hoped for rain. To keep me sane. Just to postpone the meeting for a day or two. But, it didn’t rain. And I am SO glad it didn’t.

Between Hekpoort and Hartbeespoort, God shared a piece of heaven with us. He broke it out of the skies and placed it neatly upon the Earth. For as long as I can remember, I have been in love with Hartbeespoort and Hartbeespoort Dam. The mountains. The grey-blue heaps of stone and fauna and flora stuck into the Earth’s core. The green water, like a meadow in the wrong place. Green like grass. The way it shimmers in the sunlight and throws a reflection of the sky above up at you as you stare out over the miles of uninhabitable water-lands, has always had me mesmerized.

I thought there was no other place like it on the planet. I don’t have words to describe the place. Those of you that have been there, and those of you that share my love for places like that, would understand.

But I was wrong, however. Because there IS a place better than Harties.

A small town just South-West of Hartbeespoort, with two general dealers, three schools, a small police station, a small clinic with one doctor, one lawyer and a small handful of restaurants and lodges, has stolen my heart. Layers upon layers upon layers of forestry, mountains and rivers flowing freely. A land lost outside of time. A world almost untouched by human hands. Ancient ruins of a pointless war once fought in our beautiful country. Animals roaming free. I doubt highly in the absence of werewolves, vampires and fairies in a place like Hekpoort. They would fit perfectly into the magical surroundings.

For a day, I went to heaven.

For a day, I was in a fairy-tale.

On our way, I was talking to Moonflower on MXit so she can give us the right directions etc. I must admit. I was nervous as hell. I wasn’t sure if Moonflower and Hannah saw each other as friend or foe. I was very uncertain about how her parents would feel about me. Semi-queer. Dyed hair. An earring. I was also afraid that we’d get there, and have no idea what to say to each other.

But it was all for nothing.

I had no reason to be as nervous as I was. The place is amazing, and even though they are miles from the nearest cinema, there are millions of things to do. Moonflower and her brothers kept Hannah and me busy the entire day, showing us Barton’s Folly, the house on the hill, the river hidden behind the cliffs of Barton’s folly. We were so tired at the end of the day. We weren’t bored for a second, and we haven’t seen half of the valley!

Moonflower took Hannah and me to see the house on the hill behind them. I can’t really say much about the place, because there is no point in it. They never finished building the place and when I suggested that Hannah, Moonflower and I finish it on our own, everyone gave me that look asking if I really am crazy. So I don’t know if I should get my hopes up for finishing it. We did, however, get the go-ahead from Moonflower’s father, to start cleaning up the place. Get all the weeds and rocks out of the house. Clear a path down to the gate etc. But I don’t know if we’ll ever be able to convince him to allow us to finish building it. It will cost hundreds of thousands of rands and none of have that kind of money right now. I am in no hurry. I just want something to do with my life, something to spend my time on. I am willing to go up on that hill and clear out the rubble all on my own. And one day in the distant future, when we can afford the required building materials, I am willing to carry every brick, every window-frame, every tile, every pane of glass and every drop of cement up there, all on my own. Using only my bare hands if necessary.

There I go again. Fantasizing out loud. I am in doubt. I don’t think we’ll ever get permission, and if we do, I doubt we’ll get the money. Between Hannah, Moonflower and me, it could take us a few decades to get all the money we need.

Maybe we can finish it as our place to retire to one day when we’re old and grey. Maybe we could finish it as a holiday home. A home away from home. Either way, as insane an idea as it is, I want to finish it. I want to build a pathway down to the main-house, mosaic’d all the way from top to bottom. I want to have fairies all over the place. Fairies and Goblin’s and Garden Gnomes and Unicorns and other magical mystical beings.

-sigh- Maybe one day...

After that we went rock-climbing at Barton’s Folly. Barton’s Folly is a fort that was built and used during the Boere-war. It is amazing to think I was inside a building that hasn’t been used for over a hundred years. It is still in mint condition and stands upon a hill for all to see. Timeless. Magical. After we scurried around inside the “ruins” of Barton’s Folly, we explored the rest of the mountain/hill/cliff until we were on the other side, where the river is. It is insanely high, yet people cliff-dive from it. The water down below is luckily deep enough. It reminded me of New Moon, where the werewolf boys cliff-dive for “recreational purposes”, as Bella explained to Alice.

-Hitting a blank again-

The few hours we spent there was amazing. There isn’t any words for it. It’s like a fairy-tale. Magical. Mystical. Timeless. Unscarred.

I can say one thing though.

That visit to Hekpoort changed my life forever. I still get my occasional mood swings and suicidal tendencies (which no-one can blame me for because I can’t help it!), but I have a hope for the future. I have plans and new year’s resolutions.

1. I don’t plan on staying at home for much longer.

2. I plan on getting my learner’s license and learning how to drive before March. By the end of 2011 I plan on having my driver’s license. No hopes just yet for my own car, but that’s fine.

3. I plan on getting rid of all the junk I have accumulated over the past eighteen years.

4. I plan on keeping Cat out of my life, out of my mind, and out of my vocabulary.

5. I plan on doing SOMETHING about that house on the hill!

6. I plan on getting my poetry printed and sorted so that they’ll be ready when I find a publisher.

7. I plan on focusing a lot more on my art, which includes my newly found band Krashlight, my mosaic-business and my poetry.

8. I plan on staying a non-smoker.

9. I plan on returning to being blonde.

Just to name a few...

That’s all for now.

Happy new year!

Probably the final post of 2010

It’s been quite some time since I’ve posted anything on my blog and it’s been quite a struggle since my last post.

We are almost at the end of this year and as I look back, I find it hard to believe that I am still in a state to type this. I find it hard to believe that I’m still alive and to understand how exactly I managed to survive. Not to step on any toes, but everyone that will be reading this knows how emotionally destroyed I have been and how badly I have wanted to die over the last six to eight months. Many of you also know of the many attempts I had at ending my life. Many of you have cried. Many of you believed I was gone. Forever. Never to return. Only to sigh a sigh of relief and utter a tantrum of disappointment when you realized that I am still alive. Disappointment at the attempt, relief at the survival.

I have apologized before and I shall apologize again. I shall also apologize that it is still what I want; what I feel I need to do. Some of you actually get why I want to rather die than spend my life digging through dustbins or sponging on friends. Some of you actually WANT to be okay with losing me. I love all of you, because none of you can say I won’t be missed and that I am not loved. None of you won’t cry. None of you won’t be devastated.

I have thought a great deal about how it would be if I survived and how it would be if I didn’t. I’ve recalled my parents and their friends drinking and socializing around a braai-fire when I was a little boy. I’ve imagined sitting around a fire with all of you and your husbands and wives. I’ve imagined spending Christmas with you, celebrating the new year, surprise birthday parties, visiting any of you that might find yourselves in a hospital bed one day. I’ve imagined mourning with you, and laughing with you. I’ve imagined worries that we’d share in the future, merely because that’s what friends do: they worry together and party together and cry together and laugh together.

But I can’t see past death.

I cannot think how it would be without me here. I know the first few years will be hell and I know all of you will constantly hear songs and see signs that remind you of me. But I can’t imagine how life will be for you. I can’t imagine what your spouses and children will be told about me. I do know, however, that I will linger forever. Those of you that are still in my life are so close to me, that I know I’ve made such a significant impression on all of you that none of you will ever forget me.

There are twenty-three days left of this year and I promised many of you that IF I was to attempt ANYTHING again, that I’d wait until 2011. I need to see all of you within the next three weeks. Moonflower, Trix. Moonflower and Trix? Just you two? I know for a fact you two would want to see me before I go, but who else? L-Bunny? Fishy? Odelz? Deathberry? Cat??

I will make a plan to see everyone I want and need to see before this year is over, whether I will die soon or not.

Let me get back to reminiscing about the year.

It was unpleasant. If I wrote a book JUST about the past year, I’d be a millionaire! Most of my most emotional times were woven into this year’s timeline.

December 2009:

In late December last year, I finally came to terms with my sexuality.

Then I met C.S. and I thought I’d marry him. We were planning on moving down to Melkbos. We were going to live at the coast.

January 2010:

Then I lost him.

Then I was destroyed about my sexuality, driven to the first near suicide of this year by it, and I prayed. I begged God to make me heterosexual and to send someone across my path to keep me that way.

March 2010:

Then I met Cat.

Then I was absent from school for three weeks and no-one noticed so she forgot me and I forgot her. Then I returned.

Then she saw me again and it was like someone had shone in her eyes with a mirror. My name was called out during assembly. I was in trouble again, even though I was innocent as usual. (That school always picked on me and most of the times I was able to prove them wrong, but having my name called out in front of the entire grade was humiliating and it was one of the greatest contributors to my devastation.) Cat was mesmerized by me, even though she didn’t know who I was.

Then we met again.

Then I changed subjects from design to biology and I needed a tutor. Sitting next to Cat at the time, she offered to give me some extra classes in the afternoons.

Then...the first lesson. We talked about everything except the biology. We learned a great deal about each other in those few hours.

Then she walked me home. She was in a relationship with one of my friends at the time and she’d never been kissed before. Knowing that I have, she asked me if I’d teach her. In secret.

Then she spent a weekend at my house for the first time.

Then we kissed.

Then it went further.

May 2010:

Then the truth started to reveal itself and I started to break down and crumble before her eyes, because of her.

30 May 2010:

Cat slept over at my aunt’s house for the first time. Her stepmother went wacko again and her father dropped her off at Menlyn. My aunt and her husband were there at the same time. They picked me up, I went to Cat, we went to my aunt, and she slept over.

Morning of 4 June 2010:

I was writing in my diary when Cat wanted some coffee so I stopped writing and made her, her coffee.

Afternoon of 4 June 2010:

I fell asleep next to her, not wearing much. And then the phone rang.

Then her mother re-appeared into her life. (Cat was living with her father when we met because it wasn’t safe in the same house as her mother’s sick new husband.)

Then Cat was taken away. First to her mother’s home a half an hour away from me, and then to her aunt’s house, two hour’s drive away, for the holidays.

11 June 2010: Kia.

19 June 2010: Kia R.I.P.

Later in June 2010:

Cat’s return to her father’s house.

July 2010: School’s reopening, one week before Expo exhibition.

July 2010: Monday morning: day of Expo exhibition: I fainted on the bridge and was carried to the office where my father came to get me and take me home.

Monday night: Expo exhibition.

4 August 2010:

Cat relocated back to her mother’s new house in Elarduspark.

7 August 2010: Fifth month anniversary.

8 August 2010: Sonnette de Beer stole my personal journal out of Cat’s laptop bag, abusing both of our rights to privacy.

18 August 2010: Things started ending.

Somewhere between then and November 7^th: Molested.

5 November 2010: First message from Hannah.

7 November 2010: Met Hannah.

7 December 2010: One month anniversary between Hannah and I.

That’s just a very rough summary of the past year. Many things were left unsaid. Many vengeance was never gotten. Many lives were changed and saved and ruined and restarted.

Before this year is over I want to see the sea. I want to be there and taste the salt on my skin and fell the water and feel the wind and feel the sun. I need to go to the sea. My only way of getting there is Hannah. Hannah’s brother will say that I’m just using him for free transport and his money. And that is not the case. If Hannah and I will be going down to the coast I’ll be paying for everything. I’ll be treating him. I don’t want him to spend one single cent on that journey. I am not sure if it’s the journey or the destination that I want more. Traveling down to the coast with Hannah and good music would be an amazing experience and being there with him would be even better. It would generate memories that we might not get another chance to generate. It will produce photos that we won’t be able to take anywhere else and they’ll be cherished more than any other.

I am not sure what else I’d want to blog about but I needed to do this post. I am not sure if I’ll blog again this year but if I don’t, I won’t be throwing myself with stones over it. I felt I needed to do this one but I am not going to obligate myself to writing anymore this year. I will see everyone again.

It’s been a long year. Let us hope it will end well.

Art Ideas

Knight's Templar Cross

Triple Goddess/ Waning, Full, Waxing Moon/ Triple Moon



Triskel Spiral




Triskel Spiral



Compass Cross



Triquetra




Eye of Horus/ Eye of Ra




Pentagram



Just another disappointing lonely day.

“This is not the end
This is not the beginning
Just a voice like a riot
Rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone
And the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady
Something empty’s within ‘em

We say yeah

With fists flying up in the air
Like we’re holding onto something that’s invisible there
‘Cause we’re living at the mercy of the pain and the fear
Until we dead it forget it
Let it all disappear...

...I’m holding on to what I haven’t got...” – Linkin Park, Waiting For The End

Sometimes it feels like I am just waiting for the end to come. For some tragedy to hit me. To be hit by a truck or to be killed in a robbery. Sometimes it feels like my end is so close. But other times it feels like nothing is ever going to happen if I don’t pick up my ass and do something. I am not going to get over Cat if I don’t put in a conscious effort to forget her.

“A memory can’t be erased. I know, because I’ve tried.

I start to feel the emptiness

And everything I’m gonna miss

I know, that I can’t hide” – Lifehouse, Come Back Down.

I am not going to marry Hannah if one of doesn’t propose. I am not going to get out of my house if I don’t get a job and start paying rent for my own place. I am not going to finish school if I don’t pick up the phone and call a homeschooling institution to find out what they charge. Cat isn’t going to get out of her circumstances if I don’t call a social worker or find her an apartment. I am not going to die if I don’t take my life on my own.

And if I don’t die, I am going to live forth, thus having quite a few tasks at hand. Getting a job, finding a homeschooling institution, moving out, getting a ring, finding a venue, finding a preacher-creature to marry us, finding an orphanage, choosing a child, or finding a surrogate mother.

Hannah wants a son named Skye, Cloud or Jess. Who has a name like Cloud? Lol. It’s cute though. That child will be less of a cloud, and more like the silver lining around a cloud. Surprisingly, Skye and Jess are both names that I’d give to my child. I actually wanted a daughter named Skye. Jess can be both a boy’s name or a girl’s. I am not sure if I want a boy or a girl. I think I want a boy and a girl. Another name I’d want to give to my daughter is Hayley. There are so many names to choose from and I don’t even have a kid yet! But it’s fun to dream.

It is a pity that Hannah and I can’t reproduce. I would have loved for my child to have his eyes. I get lost in his eyes. He describes them as a pale, plain grey colour. To me they are more of an intriguing, mesmerizing mixture between green, blue and grey. His pupils are these deep, dark pools of black. Like a black hole in space, they lure me in. They swallow me whole and I am lost within them within seconds. His eyes are so mysteriously and powerfully beautiful. When his pupils are shrunk by light when he’s standing in brightness, his irises do exactly the same. They overwhelm me and they boggle my mind. It’s hard to describe the beauty in his eyes. Besides the windows to his soul, it’s hard to describe him.

It’s hard to describe his body, his personality, his demure, his movements, his posture, his purity, his serenity, his brilliance, his innocence. I really loved Cat and many other people before her, and it wasn’t a lie: my love for her is like no other. But it’s been nearly a month, a mere month, that I’ve been with Hannah and I am lost for words. I am lost within HIM! He is purer than my mind can grasp. He is kinder and more selfless than my mind can fathom. He is gentler and subtler than my mind can understand. And I am willing to give up everything and everyone for him.

“Talking to myself in public

Dodging glances on the train

I know, I know they’ve all been talking ‘bout me

I can hear them whisper

And it makes me think there must be something wrong

With me

Out of all the hours thinking

Somehow

I’ve lost my mind” – Matchbox Twenty, Unwell

“Of all the things I’ve lost in life, I miss my mind the most.” – Ozzy Osbourne

I am not who I used to be. I am not the blonde, blue-eyed boy everyone got to know as I grew up. I have changed so much. If some of my cousins were to walk past me in a mall now, I doubt they’d recognize me. Especially if I can disguise myself even more with a pair of glasses. I was always against smoking and smokers and at one stage I banned smoking in my room. No one was allowed to come near me or my room with a lit cigarette. Now I smoke like a chimney and I don’t care what people think or say.

I used to be very shy and introverted. Now I sing as I walk in the streets and I don’t care what people think as they drive past me. The only problem I still have is that I am afraid to be openly gay. Or openly bisexual. I am afraid of kissing Hannah in public and I don’t know why. It’s about us, not about the rest of the world. Be a bitch. I should stop giving a damn about other people. How can long-lasting, unconditional love be a sin? How can it be morally wrong?

I am starting to talk in circles again.

“Ek twyfel, twyfel, twyfel terwyl ek antwoord gee op

Wêreldse vrae.

Hulle soek antwoorde.

En hulle soek,

‘n logiese verduideliking.

Maar daar’s iets, ja iets

Wat hulle nie verstaan.

Iets wat hulle harte

Te bowe gaan.

Miskien is hulle net te veel met gewone dinge gepla.” – Glaskas, Stormstilte.

“Like a ghost I’ll need a key.

Your best friend, I’ve come to be.

Please don’t think of getting up for me.

You don’t even have to speak.

I’ve been here for just one day.

You’ll already miss me, if I go away.

So close the blinds and shut the door.

You won’t need other friends anymore.” – Dido, Don’t leave home.

I feel like that song is a message from Hannah to me. He’ll keep me warm when I’m cold and he’ll be my safety.