Warning

“Alice... Things are bad again...”

I wonder how many blogs I am going to start with those words.

Let me start over.

“Don’t tell me it’s not worth trying for. You can’t tell me it’s not worth dying for... There’s nowhere unless you’re there.” – Bryan Adams, Everything I do, I do for you.

I am alone. I feel unloved and unwanted. I understand why he won’t come get me. But I think it’s unreasonable. I think it’s unfair that he won’t drive through. But there’s nothing I can do to change things. Four days until Tuesday seems like just four short little days to everyone else. To me it’s a lifetime. I want to say that I can’t wait that long, because it truly feels like I can NOT. But what else can I do, but wait?

Over the past few days I have thought a lot about leaving him. I do NOT want to. It’s the last thing I want. But is it working? Are things okay between us? My honest feelings are that he’s become lazy and selfish since he moved to Brits. And I don’t feel his love anymore.

And another thing... He doesn’t listen anymore.

Kia is dead because someone refused to listen to me when I told them to get medical help. I almost died on Tuesday night because my father refused to listen to me when I told him I needed to get to an ER. Sorry if this is private, Trixy, but I warned her, too, about many guys that were going to hurt her and she refused to listen to me. In the end she got hurt.

And now, Hannah also refuses to listen to me. I keep telling him he NEEDS to relax, he NEEDS to see me and we NEED to be together AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. But he’s not listening. Things build up inside both of our hearts and those things need to be let out. The only way to let those things out is to be together. Is to release and relieve each other’s stresses and worries. We both NEED each other’s company but he’s not listening. When the shit hits the fan, it won’t be my fault.

I think I’m done. I’ve said what I wanted to say and that’s that. There is nothing I can do. The warnings have been issued. Whether they’ll be listened to, is not up to me.

Reasons why you should come get me tomorrow, sweety

1. You made me look forward to seeing you THIS weekend and now you've let me down.
2. You'll have to drive twice in anyways.
3. We both NEED to see each other AS SOON AS POSSIBLE and you KNOW it.
4. Next week You'll have to study.
5. I have people to see and things to do next week DURING the week, which is why a weekend is better.
6. I planned my cortisone cycle perfectly so that my eczema would be fine when I see you this weekend. By Tuesday my eczema will have flared up again.
7. I pay for your fuel. Every last drop to get here and back home.
8. Whether you go to your father or not, you STILL have to drive through to Pretoria to pick me up. Only twice. Not three times.
9. Tuesday is very faraway. The amount of time we'll be able to spend together is less important than WHEN we see each other. We need to see each other now, not in a week's time.
10. "Friends are like parachutes. If they're not there the first time you need them, chances are you won't be needing them again."

2011

Dear Readers.

I don’t know which way to run anymore. Nothing ever changes around here. I had so many plans for this year and all of them are already seeming to fall apart. I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am becoming self-destructive again. Hannah is out of town. Permanently. And it just showed me once again that I am all alone on this planet. Yeah sure. Many, if not all of you, love me endlessly, but none of you can really help me. You can keep me company, but the sun always sets and the time to go home always comes. And then I’m alone again. You can organize a sleep-over, but eventually I’ll have to leave.

I can’t wait to see Hannah and Moonflower again. I am so happy around them. Around them I feel human. Around them I am free.

Hannah asked me what I wanted to do this year. Something crazy. He said he wanted to bungee jump, ride horses and ride in a hot air balloon. I’d love to ride in a hot air balloon, but isn’t it a bit pricy? I’d also love to ride horses, regularly, but where? I don’t have a horse and there are absolutely no horse-riding-ranches around here. But yeah, it would be fun. I also want to go explore caves in Hekpoort. Swim in a river. Go camping. Go fishing with Hannah and Moonflower. I want to rock-climb. Hike more. Eat less. (While we’re on the topic, oh my googly-ness! I picked up four kay’s since Christmas!) Oh, and I’m blonde again. Hehe.