30 October 2010

I was up just after sunrise. I’ll be surprised if I had more than an hour’s sleep last night. I can’t get her out of my head. And even if I could, I’m not sure if I want her out of my head too. She’s already out of my life. I just wish there was some way to get her back. She’s been saying that she doesn’t want to date anyone anymore, she doesn’t want to marry anyone anymore and she isn’t taking anyone back, but in the same breath she said she’s dating A.C. again. She has this way of rubbing it in. She’ll say that he’s hurt her before, and that he’ll probably hurt her again, yet she’ll emphasize how he’s the only thing that makes her happy, and how he can actually afford to care for her. She’s mentioned quite a few times that he’s asked her to move in with her.

A few months ago, when she mentioned it the first time, I wrote about it in my diary.

At that time, she was living with her father and stepmother who had put her in the hostel merely because the wicked stepmother from hell didn’t want Cat in the house. When Cat’s biological mother found out about it, all hell broke loose. She moved closer to Cat’s current school, took her out of the hostel and demanded that she moved back in with her until Cat’s stepmother changed her attitude. I think that was in August. Early August.

Well, it started in June already, but the bombed burst early in August.

Anyways, being the close friends that they were, Cat confided in A.C. about everything that was happening around her. She told him about her mother wanting her to live with her again. She told him she didn’t want to - she was scared of her stepfather. She also told A.C. that she wasn’t sure how long she’ll be able to live with her father either. He’s old. His wife is schizo. So A.C. suggested Cat move in with him.

I remember writing in my diary that that would probably be best for her. Even better than what I could give her - if I could give her anything at all. Things were sketchy in both of her homes and I couldn’t exactly afford to take her in, so I was willing to ler her live with A.C.

Even though I HATED every single weekend that she visited him.

Every time she came back from him, she’d tell me she slept in his arms because she didn’t want to sleep on the couch and he couldn’t sleep on the couch because of his allergies. Lame excuse. Will she ever know how much it hurt to hear she slept in his arms? Will she ever feel the pain I felt?

At times I want to get her back. I want to find one of MY ex’s and make out right in front of her. It probably won’t make her jealous. But sometimes I hope it would.

Enough of her...

I have so many other options. Moonflower. Trixy. Leo. Even some of my ex’s are willing to take me back. Yet I keep clinging to HER. How ridiculous can I get? How STUPID can I be? I want to move on... I just can’t. Something is telling me not to let her go. Not completely. Something is telling me to be content with friendship, if that’s all I can get. But it still hurts. My wounds are still so raw and my heart still aches so much. I... I can’t.

I remember how comforting she was. One day I was sitting in my aunt’s lounge, listening to music, when she came over. The moment she walked through the door I started crying. Heaven 9/11 was playing.

That song, combined with seeing her, reminded me so much of Kia, my heart was ripped apart in seconds.

“I sleep with a little light on. Just in case you come home... and kiss me goodnight.”

For I don’t know how long I just sat there, crying, listening to that little girl’s voice on the laptop and feeling her gentle fingers run through my hair and her delicate lips kissing away my tears. Literally.

“I try not to cry. Mommy says it’s okay. I know you don’t like it when I cry. You never wanted me to be sad. I try, Daddy, but it hurts. Is it true your not coming home? Maybe someday, I can visit you in heaven, okay?”

Cat just sat there next to me, gently touching me, saying nothing and yet, comforting me more than I’ve ever been comforted. I remember that I wrote in my diary that she loves me more than I’ve ever been loved. And I loved her more than I have ever loved anyone else before. More than I probably ever will love anyone else.

I’m missing her.

A lot.

Seemingly more with every second that passes.

I’m missing Kia again. Cat was the only thing that kept the memory of Kia alive. She kept Kia alive in both our hearts, but now that she’s gone, it’s like she’s buried Kia deeper than ever before. Kia now seems buried deeper than Cat’s past.

I don’t know if I have what it’ll take to speak of that past. There is one thing, however, that I will day about it. Now that Cat is gone, now that she’s left, I want to be irresponsible enough to try all the things she tried. I want to be stupid enough as to walk backwards in time, following HER footsteps, just so that I could have more memories of her. Just so that I can get to know her better. Lately, it seems like digging up her past is the only way of getting to know her; the only way of keeping her with me.

Yet at times I want to forget. (I feel so directionless and indecisive about he!) Just forget. Everything. Her. Kia. The past that was never dug up completely. The future that never came.

I’ve considered hazardous methods of forgetting. Overdosage of mercury - apparently mercury can cause memory loss. A hard hit to the back of the head. Cutting off oxygen or blood to the brain in order to cause brain damage, and thus, memory loss too.

At times, I’ve even considered fatal methods of getting her out of my head.

But I shouldn’t talk about this. I shouldn’t be thinking this and I shouldn’t be hurting the people that love me by thinking out loud about it.

I said I love her and I swear I still do. Even if she believes that I’m hating her lately.

I can never hate her.

I just want to move on.

Jaydy.