Dear Cat - 31 October 2010

Dear Cat

If I had to describe the current state of things between us, I’d say we had a fight and I decided it would be better if we didn’t talk anymore. Which I regret. Maybe I’d describe it as a fight because some part of me doesn’t want to take all of the blame, but I know that you’re not in my life anymore because of my own doing. Partially your mother’s doing too, but I should leave her out of this. Her insignificance has been emphasized enough.

At first, when you said you’ll never date me again and you won’t marry me anymore, I was devastated. I was crushed. I felt betrayed. Lied to. Abandoned. Alone. Hurt. It felt like you were throwing me away in that moment and that’s why I reacted the way I did. And now it seems I’ve thrown you away.

It’s pretty clear we won’t be anything more than friends from now on, but can we at least be friends? Can we at least talk? I want to talk to you. I want to invite you to parties and I want to buy you something for Christmas. I want to call you on new year’s eve and say happy new year.  I know it’ll be a while before I’ll actually be allowed to do that, because of your mother’s restrictions, but in the mean time, can we at least talk?

There are so many songs that remind me of you. I am content with friendship. The only thing worse than one is none. I am too young to handle this solitude. I need someone like you in my life. You were my best friend. The best friend I’ve EVER had. And I am asking you to forgive me, and take me back. Even if you can only take me back as a friend.

I hope you’re doing okay. I heard your grades took a slight dip after we broke up. Hope this whole thing didn’t have a permanent impact on your ability to study. The end-of-year exams are around the corner and you know what high expectations everyone has for you.

Your cup is still at my aunt’s house. It’s waiting for you. Just let me know when it’ll see you again so I can fill it with hot chocolate for you. I remember how you used to eat the hot chocolate out of the tin. It was fun, though. I still do it from time to time.

When was the last time you had a Kinderjoy egg? I haven’t had one in ages.

I think I should get me one.

Anyways, enough for now.

I’ll write again soon.

All my love.

Forever.

Jaydy.

Dear Cat, 30 October 2010

Cat...

Do you have the faintest idea how much I miss you, and how much I'm hoping you still miss me too?? Why did we ever say goodbye? Why did we let the world win? Why did we let something as stupid as a stolen, vandalized diary get between us? Was it all my fault? Do you have your regrets too?

I wish I could turn back the hands of time. Just to see you again. But you said you don't want to see me because when I COULD see you, I didn't say anything.

UHG!

This whole thing is so confusing and so frustrating. Now more than ever I'm considering some hazardous method of forgetting you. You keep me up EVERY.SINGLE.NIGHT.

I'm turning eighteen on Tuesday but I'm not even Going to bother trying to celebrate my birthday. And I'm going to forget about Christmas as well. None of it is worth it without you...

Oh, have I mentioned C.S. and I are talking again. But his boyfriend doesn't want him to spend time with me so we party in secret. I've missed him. I've forgotten what good friends we were back in January. We talked like we've never parted. But it's over and he's just a friend. I'm just saying. Hopefully I can get drunk somewhere with him Tuesday night, or OD on something so I can sleep away the pain of you not being there. I don't want to grow old alone. And there's no one else for me. No one like you. No one that can love like you. No one that can touch and care like you. I DON'T WANT ANYONE ELSE!

Katjie, ek weet dit is laat, en jou male slaap, maar ek moes net vir jou se, ek het jou lief... ek jou lief soos die Kaap.

You probably won't ever read this.

You think I've moved on.

But you taught me that it helps to get all the STUFF out of your system...
So I'm writing it all here for you.
Maybe one day...
You'll be bored...
And google my name...
And come across this...

Maybe...

Till next time.

Jaydy

White Flag – Dido

I know you think that I shouldn’t still love you

Or tell you that

But if I didn’t say it

well, I’d still have felt it

where’s the sense in that

I promise I’m not trying to make your life harder

I’ll return to where we were

But I will go down with this ship

I won’t put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I’m in love

And always will be

I know I left too much mess and destruction to come back again

And I’ve caused nothing but trouble

I understand if you can’t talk to me again

And if you live by the rules of “it’s over”,

I’m sure that, that makes sense

But I will go down with this ship

I won’t put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I’m in love

And always will be

And when we meet

Which I’m sure we will

All that was there

Will be there, still

 

I’ll let it pass

And hold my tongue

And you will think

That I’ve moved on

But I will go down with this ship

I won’t put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I’m in love

and always will be

Vanilla Twilight – Owl City

The stars lean down to kiss you

And I lie awake and miss you

Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

‘Cause I’ll doze off safe and soundly

But I’ll miss your arms around me

I’d send a postcard to you, dear

‘Cause I wish you were here

I’ll watch the night turn light-blue

But it’s not the same without you

‘Cause it takes two to whisper quietly

The silence isn’t so bad

till I look at my hands and feel sad

‘Cause the spaces between my fingers

are right where yours fit perfectly

I’ll find repose in new ways

Though I haven’t slept in two days

‘Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone

But drenched in vanilla twilight

I’ll sit on the front-porch all night

Waist-deep in thought because when I think of you

I don’t feel so alone

I don’t feel so alone, I don’t feel so alone

As many times as I blink

I’ll think of you tonight

I’ll think of you tonight

When violet eyes get brighter

And heavy wings grow lighter

I’ll taste the sky and feel alive again

And I’ll forget the world that I knew

But I swear I won’t forget you

Oh, if my voice could reach back through the past

I’d whisper in your ear

Oh, Darling, I wish you were here

Colorblind – Counting Crows

I am colorblind

coffee black and egg white

pull me out from inside

I am ready

I am ready

I am ready

I am taffy-stuck and tongue-tied

stutter-shook and uptight

pull me out from inside

I am ready

I am ready

I am ready

I am fine

I am covered in skin

no-one gets to come in

pull me out from inside

I am folded

and unfolded

and unfolding

I am colorblind

coffee black and egg white

pull me out from inside

I am ready

I am ready

I am ready

I am fine

I am fine

I am fine

You’re Not Sorry - Taylor Swift

All this time I’ve been wasting

Hoping you would come around

I’ve been giving out chances every time

And all you do is let me down

And it’s taken me this long, baby

But I figured you out

And you’re thinking we’ll be fine again

But not this time around

You don’t have to call anymore

I won’t pick up the phone

This is the last straw

Don’t want to hurt anymore

And you can tell me that sorry

But I don’t believe you, baby,

Like I did before

You’re not sorry

Oh No, no, no

Looking so innocent

I might believe you if I didn’t know

Could’ve loved you all my life

If you hadn’t left me waiting in the cold

And you got your share of secrets

And I’m tired of being the last to know

And now you’re asking me to listen

‘Cause it’s worked each time before

But you don’t have to call anymore

I won’t pick up the phone

This is the last straw

Don’t want to hurt anymore

And you can tell me that sorry

But I don’t believe you, baby,

Like I did before

You’re not sorry

No, no, oh.

You’re not sorry

No, no, oh.

You had me crawling for you honey

And it never would’ve gone away, no

You used to shine so bright

But I watched all of it fade

So you don’t have to call anymore

I won’t pick up the phone

This is the last straw

There’s nothing left to beg for

And you can tell me that sorry

But I don’t believe you, baby,

Like I did before

You’re not sorry

No, no, oh.

Where'd You Go? - Fort Minor

(I can't really realte to this song - I don't hate you, we don't have a family, you don't have a career and we never celebrated Halloween together. But it emphasizes my misery.)

Where’d you go

I miss you so

Seems like it’s been forever

That you’ve been gone

She said some days I feel like shit.

Some days I wanna quit,

and just be normal for a bit.

I don’t understand why you have to always be gone.

I get along,

but your trips always feel so long.

And I find myself trying to wait by the phone,

‘cause your voice always helps me to not feel so alone,

but I feel like an idiot:

working my day around the call

but when I pick up I don’t have much to say.

So I want you to know it’s a little fucked up

that I’m stuck here waiting,

at times debating

telling you that I’ve had it with you and your career.

Me and the rest of the family here are singing

Where’d you go?

I miss you so.

Seems like it’s been forever

That you’ve been gone.

Please come back home.

Back home.

You know?

The place where you used to live?

Used to barbeque with burgers and ribs?

Used to have a little party every Halloween

with candy by the pile

but now, you only stop by every once in a while.

I find myself just filling my time.

Do anything to keep the thought of you from my mind.

I’m doing fine.

And I’m planning to keep it that way.

And you can call me if you find that you have something to say.

And I’ll tell you:

I want you to know it’s a little fucked up

that I’m stuck here waiting,

at times debating.

Telling you that I’ve had it with you and your career.

Me and the rest of the family here are singing

Where’d you go?

I miss you so.

Seems like it’s been forever

That you’ve been gone.

Where’d you go?

I miss you so.

Seems like it’s been forever

That you’ve been gone.

Please come back home.

I want you to know it’s a little fucked up

that I’m stuck here waiting,

no longer debating,

tired of sitting and hating

and making excuses for why you’re not around,

and feeling so useless.

It seems one thing has been true all along:

You don’t know what you got till it’s gone.

I guess I’ve had it with you and your career.

When you come back I won’t be here

and you can sing it

Where’d you go?

I miss you so.

Seems like it’s been forever

That you’ve been gone.

Where’d you go?

I miss you so.

Seems like it’s been forever

That you’ve been gone.

Please come back home.

If You're Not The One - Daniel Bedingfield

If you’re not the one

then why does my soul feel glad today?

If you’re not the one

then why does my hand fit yours this way?

If you are not mine

then why does your heart return my call?

If you are not mine

would I have the strength to stand at all?

I never know what the future brings

But I know you’re here with me now

We’ll make it through and I hope

you are the one I share my life with

I don’t wanna run away

But I can’t take it

I don’t understand

If I’m not made for you

the why does my heart tell me that I am?

Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don’t need you

then why am I crying on my bed?

If I don’t need you

then why does your name resound in my head?

If you’re not for me

then why does this distance mame my life?

If you’re not for me

then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don’t know why you’re so far away

But I know that this much is true

We’ll make it through and I hope

that you are the one I share my life with

And I wish that you could be the one I die with

And I pray that you’re the one I build my home with

I hope I love you all my life

I don’t wanna run away

But I can’t take it

I don’t understand

If I’m not made for you

the why does my heart tell me that I am?

Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

‘Cause I miss you,

body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away

And I breathe you into my heart

And I pray for the strength to stand today

‘Cause I love you

Whether it’s wrong or right

And though I can’t be with you tonight

And though my heart is by your side

I don’t wanna run away

But I can’t take it

I don’t understand

If I’m not made for you

the why does my heart tell me that I am?

Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

Cute Without The E - Taking Back Sunday

Your lipstick

His collar

Don’t bother, Angel

I know exactly what goes on

When everything you’ll get is,

everything that you’ve wanted,

princess.

(Well, which would you prefer)

My finger on the trigger, or...

(Me face down, down across your floor.)

Me face down, down across you floor.

(Me face down, down across your floor.)

Just so long as this thing’s loaded.

And will you tell all your friends

you’ve got your gun to my head.

This all was only wishful thinking.

This all was only wishful thinking.

And will you tell all your friends

you’ve got your gun to my head.

This all was only wishful thinking.

This all was only wishful thinking.

Let’s go.

Don’t bother trying to explain, Angel.

I know exactly what goes on,

when you’re on and

how about I’m outside of your window.

(How about I’m outside of your window.)

Watchin him keep the details covered

You’re such a sucker, (you’re such a sucker)

for a sweet-talker, yeah.

And will you tell all your friends

you’ve got your gun to my head.

This all was only wishful thinking.

This all was only wishful thinking.

(The only thing that I regret is that I, I never let you hold me back.)

And will you tell all your friends

you’ve got your gun to my head.

This all was only wishful thinking.

This all was only wishful thinking.

Hopin for the best.

Just hopin nothing happens.

A thousand clever lines

unread on clever napkins.

I will never ask

if you don’t ever tell me.

I know you well enough

to know you never loved me.

Hopin for the best.

Just hopin nothing happens.

A thousand clever lines

unread on clever napkins.

I will never ask

if you don’t ever tell me.

I know you well enough

to know you never loved me.

Hopin for the best.

Just hopin nothing happens.

A thousand clever lines

unread on clever napkins.

I will never ask

if you don’t ever tell me.

I know you well enough

to know...

Why can’t I feel anything

from anyone other than you?

Why can’t I feel anything

from anyone other than you?

And all of this was all your fault.

And all of this...

(I stay jealous.)

I stay wrecked and jealous for this,

for this simple reason,

I just need to keep you in mind,

as something larger than life.

(She’ll destroy us all before she’s through

and find a way to blame someone else.)

I stay wrecked and jealous for this,

for this simple reason,

I just need to keep you in mind,

as something larger than life.

(She’ll destroy us all before she’s through

and find a way to blame someone else.)

I stay wrecked and jealous for this,

for this simple reason,

I just need to keep you in mind,

as something larger than life.

(She’ll destroy us all before she’s through

and find a way to blame someone else.)

30 October 2010

I was up just after sunrise. I’ll be surprised if I had more than an hour’s sleep last night. I can’t get her out of my head. And even if I could, I’m not sure if I want her out of my head too. She’s already out of my life. I just wish there was some way to get her back. She’s been saying that she doesn’t want to date anyone anymore, she doesn’t want to marry anyone anymore and she isn’t taking anyone back, but in the same breath she said she’s dating A.C. again. She has this way of rubbing it in. She’ll say that he’s hurt her before, and that he’ll probably hurt her again, yet she’ll emphasize how he’s the only thing that makes her happy, and how he can actually afford to care for her. She’s mentioned quite a few times that he’s asked her to move in with her.

A few months ago, when she mentioned it the first time, I wrote about it in my diary.

At that time, she was living with her father and stepmother who had put her in the hostel merely because the wicked stepmother from hell didn’t want Cat in the house. When Cat’s biological mother found out about it, all hell broke loose. She moved closer to Cat’s current school, took her out of the hostel and demanded that she moved back in with her until Cat’s stepmother changed her attitude. I think that was in August. Early August.

Well, it started in June already, but the bombed burst early in August.

Anyways, being the close friends that they were, Cat confided in A.C. about everything that was happening around her. She told him about her mother wanting her to live with her again. She told him she didn’t want to - she was scared of her stepfather. She also told A.C. that she wasn’t sure how long she’ll be able to live with her father either. He’s old. His wife is schizo. So A.C. suggested Cat move in with him.

I remember writing in my diary that that would probably be best for her. Even better than what I could give her - if I could give her anything at all. Things were sketchy in both of her homes and I couldn’t exactly afford to take her in, so I was willing to ler her live with A.C.

Even though I HATED every single weekend that she visited him.

Every time she came back from him, she’d tell me she slept in his arms because she didn’t want to sleep on the couch and he couldn’t sleep on the couch because of his allergies. Lame excuse. Will she ever know how much it hurt to hear she slept in his arms? Will she ever feel the pain I felt?

At times I want to get her back. I want to find one of MY ex’s and make out right in front of her. It probably won’t make her jealous. But sometimes I hope it would.

Enough of her...

I have so many other options. Moonflower. Trixy. Leo. Even some of my ex’s are willing to take me back. Yet I keep clinging to HER. How ridiculous can I get? How STUPID can I be? I want to move on... I just can’t. Something is telling me not to let her go. Not completely. Something is telling me to be content with friendship, if that’s all I can get. But it still hurts. My wounds are still so raw and my heart still aches so much. I... I can’t.

I remember how comforting she was. One day I was sitting in my aunt’s lounge, listening to music, when she came over. The moment she walked through the door I started crying. Heaven 9/11 was playing.

That song, combined with seeing her, reminded me so much of Kia, my heart was ripped apart in seconds.

“I sleep with a little light on. Just in case you come home... and kiss me goodnight.”

For I don’t know how long I just sat there, crying, listening to that little girl’s voice on the laptop and feeling her gentle fingers run through my hair and her delicate lips kissing away my tears. Literally.

“I try not to cry. Mommy says it’s okay. I know you don’t like it when I cry. You never wanted me to be sad. I try, Daddy, but it hurts. Is it true your not coming home? Maybe someday, I can visit you in heaven, okay?”

Cat just sat there next to me, gently touching me, saying nothing and yet, comforting me more than I’ve ever been comforted. I remember that I wrote in my diary that she loves me more than I’ve ever been loved. And I loved her more than I have ever loved anyone else before. More than I probably ever will love anyone else.

I’m missing her.

A lot.

Seemingly more with every second that passes.

I’m missing Kia again. Cat was the only thing that kept the memory of Kia alive. She kept Kia alive in both our hearts, but now that she’s gone, it’s like she’s buried Kia deeper than ever before. Kia now seems buried deeper than Cat’s past.

I don’t know if I have what it’ll take to speak of that past. There is one thing, however, that I will day about it. Now that Cat is gone, now that she’s left, I want to be irresponsible enough to try all the things she tried. I want to be stupid enough as to walk backwards in time, following HER footsteps, just so that I could have more memories of her. Just so that I can get to know her better. Lately, it seems like digging up her past is the only way of getting to know her; the only way of keeping her with me.

Yet at times I want to forget. (I feel so directionless and indecisive about he!) Just forget. Everything. Her. Kia. The past that was never dug up completely. The future that never came.

I’ve considered hazardous methods of forgetting. Overdosage of mercury - apparently mercury can cause memory loss. A hard hit to the back of the head. Cutting off oxygen or blood to the brain in order to cause brain damage, and thus, memory loss too.

At times, I’ve even considered fatal methods of getting her out of my head.

But I shouldn’t talk about this. I shouldn’t be thinking this and I shouldn’t be hurting the people that love me by thinking out loud about it.

I said I love her and I swear I still do. Even if she believes that I’m hating her lately.

I can never hate her.

I just want to move on.

Jaydy.

Dear Cat, 29 October 2010

Dear Cat.

It's been two months, twenty days, and about 9 hours since you left. Since our last peaceful day together. Since our last day as one soul, in two bodies.

I remembered something today. You and I were talking on the third floor, one day after school. Just before that you asked me if I'd teach you how to kiss, so we were talking about that that day. The school was quiet and from the winds one could deduce that winter was on its way. I remembered that we made a deal that day. We promised that no matter what happened, what we did, what people said, what others tried to put in our way, that we'd always, ALWAYS be friends.

Soon after that other promises were made. Promises that, like hearts, were broken. For example, you promised me forever and forever was taken away from me early in August. I promised you I'd never hurt you, but you keep throwing into my face the fact that I have hurt you. I still don't know how. I was just me. Hurt, betrayed, disappointed, disappointing, lonely little me.

You said I bite.

Don't you know me by now? EK SKOP TEEN DIE PRIKKELS VAN DIE LEWE! I don't just lie down and let life kick me. I get up. I fight back. I bite that which gnaws at me.

But whatever. I'm not going to waste my limited characters on making excuses.

I will, however, apologize. Again. And again. Untill it's clear that I'm sorry for whatever I've done. I'm sorry your mother intervened. I'm sorry I never got you a ring. I'm sorry you don't want it anymore. I'm sorry I let you go.

I'm sorry I broke the promise we made that day on the third floor. We're not friends anymore and I guess I'm to blame for that.

Lol. I just remembered how we laughed at your shadow that day. We said you look like a witch with the way the wind blew through your hair. I miss your hair. You never liked apples, but I remember you bought apple shampoo one day, because I liked apples and I used apple shampoo. I miss the way your hair used to smell. I miss the sweet fragrance that came off you when you just had a shower. I miss you. Point blank. Point blank because, I remember you explaining to me one day, it's a point at the end of the sentence followed by a blank.

What's your point? 'n Klein swart ronde kolletjie aan die einde van jou sin, aan die begin van die paragraaf in die middel van jou opstel. Onthou ek dit nog reg?

Hope you'll write back one day.
Jaydy.