Heaven: Found.

Early Monday morning the nervousy kicked in. It was the day I was finally going to meet Moonflower. It if rained, the meeting would’ve had to be cancelled. I must admit, some part of me hoped for rain. To keep me sane. Just to postpone the meeting for a day or two. But, it didn’t rain. And I am SO glad it didn’t.

Between Hekpoort and Hartbeespoort, God shared a piece of heaven with us. He broke it out of the skies and placed it neatly upon the Earth. For as long as I can remember, I have been in love with Hartbeespoort and Hartbeespoort Dam. The mountains. The grey-blue heaps of stone and fauna and flora stuck into the Earth’s core. The green water, like a meadow in the wrong place. Green like grass. The way it shimmers in the sunlight and throws a reflection of the sky above up at you as you stare out over the miles of uninhabitable water-lands, has always had me mesmerized.

I thought there was no other place like it on the planet. I don’t have words to describe the place. Those of you that have been there, and those of you that share my love for places like that, would understand.

But I was wrong, however. Because there IS a place better than Harties.

A small town just South-West of Hartbeespoort, with two general dealers, three schools, a small police station, a small clinic with one doctor, one lawyer and a small handful of restaurants and lodges, has stolen my heart. Layers upon layers upon layers of forestry, mountains and rivers flowing freely. A land lost outside of time. A world almost untouched by human hands. Ancient ruins of a pointless war once fought in our beautiful country. Animals roaming free. I doubt highly in the absence of werewolves, vampires and fairies in a place like Hekpoort. They would fit perfectly into the magical surroundings.

For a day, I went to heaven.

For a day, I was in a fairy-tale.

On our way, I was talking to Moonflower on MXit so she can give us the right directions etc. I must admit. I was nervous as hell. I wasn’t sure if Moonflower and Hannah saw each other as friend or foe. I was very uncertain about how her parents would feel about me. Semi-queer. Dyed hair. An earring. I was also afraid that we’d get there, and have no idea what to say to each other.

But it was all for nothing.

I had no reason to be as nervous as I was. The place is amazing, and even though they are miles from the nearest cinema, there are millions of things to do. Moonflower and her brothers kept Hannah and me busy the entire day, showing us Barton’s Folly, the house on the hill, the river hidden behind the cliffs of Barton’s folly. We were so tired at the end of the day. We weren’t bored for a second, and we haven’t seen half of the valley!

Moonflower took Hannah and me to see the house on the hill behind them. I can’t really say much about the place, because there is no point in it. They never finished building the place and when I suggested that Hannah, Moonflower and I finish it on our own, everyone gave me that look asking if I really am crazy. So I don’t know if I should get my hopes up for finishing it. We did, however, get the go-ahead from Moonflower’s father, to start cleaning up the place. Get all the weeds and rocks out of the house. Clear a path down to the gate etc. But I don’t know if we’ll ever be able to convince him to allow us to finish building it. It will cost hundreds of thousands of rands and none of have that kind of money right now. I am in no hurry. I just want something to do with my life, something to spend my time on. I am willing to go up on that hill and clear out the rubble all on my own. And one day in the distant future, when we can afford the required building materials, I am willing to carry every brick, every window-frame, every tile, every pane of glass and every drop of cement up there, all on my own. Using only my bare hands if necessary.

There I go again. Fantasizing out loud. I am in doubt. I don’t think we’ll ever get permission, and if we do, I doubt we’ll get the money. Between Hannah, Moonflower and me, it could take us a few decades to get all the money we need.

Maybe we can finish it as our place to retire to one day when we’re old and grey. Maybe we could finish it as a holiday home. A home away from home. Either way, as insane an idea as it is, I want to finish it. I want to build a pathway down to the main-house, mosaic’d all the way from top to bottom. I want to have fairies all over the place. Fairies and Goblin’s and Garden Gnomes and Unicorns and other magical mystical beings.

-sigh- Maybe one day...

After that we went rock-climbing at Barton’s Folly. Barton’s Folly is a fort that was built and used during the Boere-war. It is amazing to think I was inside a building that hasn’t been used for over a hundred years. It is still in mint condition and stands upon a hill for all to see. Timeless. Magical. After we scurried around inside the “ruins” of Barton’s Folly, we explored the rest of the mountain/hill/cliff until we were on the other side, where the river is. It is insanely high, yet people cliff-dive from it. The water down below is luckily deep enough. It reminded me of New Moon, where the werewolf boys cliff-dive for “recreational purposes”, as Bella explained to Alice.

-Hitting a blank again-

The few hours we spent there was amazing. There isn’t any words for it. It’s like a fairy-tale. Magical. Mystical. Timeless. Unscarred.

I can say one thing though.

That visit to Hekpoort changed my life forever. I still get my occasional mood swings and suicidal tendencies (which no-one can blame me for because I can’t help it!), but I have a hope for the future. I have plans and new year’s resolutions.

1. I don’t plan on staying at home for much longer.

2. I plan on getting my learner’s license and learning how to drive before March. By the end of 2011 I plan on having my driver’s license. No hopes just yet for my own car, but that’s fine.

3. I plan on getting rid of all the junk I have accumulated over the past eighteen years.

4. I plan on keeping Cat out of my life, out of my mind, and out of my vocabulary.

5. I plan on doing SOMETHING about that house on the hill!

6. I plan on getting my poetry printed and sorted so that they’ll be ready when I find a publisher.

7. I plan on focusing a lot more on my art, which includes my newly found band Krashlight, my mosaic-business and my poetry.

8. I plan on staying a non-smoker.

9. I plan on returning to being blonde.

Just to name a few...

That’s all for now.

Happy new year!

Probably the final post of 2010

It’s been quite some time since I’ve posted anything on my blog and it’s been quite a struggle since my last post.

We are almost at the end of this year and as I look back, I find it hard to believe that I am still in a state to type this. I find it hard to believe that I’m still alive and to understand how exactly I managed to survive. Not to step on any toes, but everyone that will be reading this knows how emotionally destroyed I have been and how badly I have wanted to die over the last six to eight months. Many of you also know of the many attempts I had at ending my life. Many of you have cried. Many of you believed I was gone. Forever. Never to return. Only to sigh a sigh of relief and utter a tantrum of disappointment when you realized that I am still alive. Disappointment at the attempt, relief at the survival.

I have apologized before and I shall apologize again. I shall also apologize that it is still what I want; what I feel I need to do. Some of you actually get why I want to rather die than spend my life digging through dustbins or sponging on friends. Some of you actually WANT to be okay with losing me. I love all of you, because none of you can say I won’t be missed and that I am not loved. None of you won’t cry. None of you won’t be devastated.

I have thought a great deal about how it would be if I survived and how it would be if I didn’t. I’ve recalled my parents and their friends drinking and socializing around a braai-fire when I was a little boy. I’ve imagined sitting around a fire with all of you and your husbands and wives. I’ve imagined spending Christmas with you, celebrating the new year, surprise birthday parties, visiting any of you that might find yourselves in a hospital bed one day. I’ve imagined mourning with you, and laughing with you. I’ve imagined worries that we’d share in the future, merely because that’s what friends do: they worry together and party together and cry together and laugh together.

But I can’t see past death.

I cannot think how it would be without me here. I know the first few years will be hell and I know all of you will constantly hear songs and see signs that remind you of me. But I can’t imagine how life will be for you. I can’t imagine what your spouses and children will be told about me. I do know, however, that I will linger forever. Those of you that are still in my life are so close to me, that I know I’ve made such a significant impression on all of you that none of you will ever forget me.

There are twenty-three days left of this year and I promised many of you that IF I was to attempt ANYTHING again, that I’d wait until 2011. I need to see all of you within the next three weeks. Moonflower, Trix. Moonflower and Trix? Just you two? I know for a fact you two would want to see me before I go, but who else? L-Bunny? Fishy? Odelz? Deathberry? Cat??

I will make a plan to see everyone I want and need to see before this year is over, whether I will die soon or not.

Let me get back to reminiscing about the year.

It was unpleasant. If I wrote a book JUST about the past year, I’d be a millionaire! Most of my most emotional times were woven into this year’s timeline.

December 2009:

In late December last year, I finally came to terms with my sexuality.

Then I met C.S. and I thought I’d marry him. We were planning on moving down to Melkbos. We were going to live at the coast.

January 2010:

Then I lost him.

Then I was destroyed about my sexuality, driven to the first near suicide of this year by it, and I prayed. I begged God to make me heterosexual and to send someone across my path to keep me that way.

March 2010:

Then I met Cat.

Then I was absent from school for three weeks and no-one noticed so she forgot me and I forgot her. Then I returned.

Then she saw me again and it was like someone had shone in her eyes with a mirror. My name was called out during assembly. I was in trouble again, even though I was innocent as usual. (That school always picked on me and most of the times I was able to prove them wrong, but having my name called out in front of the entire grade was humiliating and it was one of the greatest contributors to my devastation.) Cat was mesmerized by me, even though she didn’t know who I was.

Then we met again.

Then I changed subjects from design to biology and I needed a tutor. Sitting next to Cat at the time, she offered to give me some extra classes in the afternoons.

Then...the first lesson. We talked about everything except the biology. We learned a great deal about each other in those few hours.

Then she walked me home. She was in a relationship with one of my friends at the time and she’d never been kissed before. Knowing that I have, she asked me if I’d teach her. In secret.

Then she spent a weekend at my house for the first time.

Then we kissed.

Then it went further.

May 2010:

Then the truth started to reveal itself and I started to break down and crumble before her eyes, because of her.

30 May 2010:

Cat slept over at my aunt’s house for the first time. Her stepmother went wacko again and her father dropped her off at Menlyn. My aunt and her husband were there at the same time. They picked me up, I went to Cat, we went to my aunt, and she slept over.

Morning of 4 June 2010:

I was writing in my diary when Cat wanted some coffee so I stopped writing and made her, her coffee.

Afternoon of 4 June 2010:

I fell asleep next to her, not wearing much. And then the phone rang.

Then her mother re-appeared into her life. (Cat was living with her father when we met because it wasn’t safe in the same house as her mother’s sick new husband.)

Then Cat was taken away. First to her mother’s home a half an hour away from me, and then to her aunt’s house, two hour’s drive away, for the holidays.

11 June 2010: Kia.

19 June 2010: Kia R.I.P.

Later in June 2010:

Cat’s return to her father’s house.

July 2010: School’s reopening, one week before Expo exhibition.

July 2010: Monday morning: day of Expo exhibition: I fainted on the bridge and was carried to the office where my father came to get me and take me home.

Monday night: Expo exhibition.

4 August 2010:

Cat relocated back to her mother’s new house in Elarduspark.

7 August 2010: Fifth month anniversary.

8 August 2010: Sonnette de Beer stole my personal journal out of Cat’s laptop bag, abusing both of our rights to privacy.

18 August 2010: Things started ending.

Somewhere between then and November 7^th: Molested.

5 November 2010: First message from Hannah.

7 November 2010: Met Hannah.

7 December 2010: One month anniversary between Hannah and I.

That’s just a very rough summary of the past year. Many things were left unsaid. Many vengeance was never gotten. Many lives were changed and saved and ruined and restarted.

Before this year is over I want to see the sea. I want to be there and taste the salt on my skin and fell the water and feel the wind and feel the sun. I need to go to the sea. My only way of getting there is Hannah. Hannah’s brother will say that I’m just using him for free transport and his money. And that is not the case. If Hannah and I will be going down to the coast I’ll be paying for everything. I’ll be treating him. I don’t want him to spend one single cent on that journey. I am not sure if it’s the journey or the destination that I want more. Traveling down to the coast with Hannah and good music would be an amazing experience and being there with him would be even better. It would generate memories that we might not get another chance to generate. It will produce photos that we won’t be able to take anywhere else and they’ll be cherished more than any other.

I am not sure what else I’d want to blog about but I needed to do this post. I am not sure if I’ll blog again this year but if I don’t, I won’t be throwing myself with stones over it. I felt I needed to do this one but I am not going to obligate myself to writing anymore this year. I will see everyone again.

It’s been a long year. Let us hope it will end well.